Life has a way of working itself out.
Everything that happens in life will lead you to what you want or teach you a lesson to achieve your dream life.
A broken heart can teach you many life lessons and transform you into a new person but only if you ask the right questions.
In this article, I give you 5 questions to ask yourself to heal your broken heart, understand your feelings, set new goals, and work toward a new life.
So, grab a cup of tea, get cozy, and let’s explore these questions together.
1. How do I feel right now?
The fastest way to heal your broken heart is by leaning into your feelings.
Pretending you are OK will only prolong your sadness. Even worse, if you don’t process your emotions, you might become depressed.
Asking yourself, “How do I feel right now?” is the first step in tuning into your emotions and giving yourself a chance to process them.
You will experience a range of emotions, from feeling unwanted, and unworthy, to anger to confusion. You will also feel scared. My biggest fear when I was single at in my 35 was, “Can I start over? Do I still have time to find a new partner and start a family?”
To process your emotions, you can cry, scream, sing sad songs, journal, or even punch a pillow. Do whatever it takes to get those feelings out of your chest (as long as you don’t hurt anyone).
You will feel all over the place, and that’s normal. You will have many melancholic moments like this. The longer you are in the relationship, the longer the healing process will take.
It took me 2 years to get over my broken heart after a 5-year of relationship and 20 years of unlabelled on-nd-off relationships. I felt like I got hit by 2 buses back to back.
I cried a lot at night, to the point that my pillow was wet in the morning.
To express my feelings, I kept listening to a certain song. Now you know why I’ll never share my Spotify list on social media. He-he-he…
But it worked! Slowly, the sadness subsided.
Once I could retell those complicated love stories without tearing up, I knew I had healed. It still hurt, but I was ready to move on.
2. What lessons have I learned from my breakup?
As cheesy as it sounds, things happen for a reason.
Even a terrible thing like a breakup will work in your favor in the long run so long as you keep a positive mindset toward life and learn the lessons from what happened.
Unfortunately, when things hit the fan, we often complain about the situation. When we focus on pain, we get more out of it. This is why every time we catch ourselves complaining, we should flip it around and focus on how things can benefit us.
In the context of breaking up, asking, “What lessons have I learned from this breakup?” will be your first step toward healing.
After my breakup from 8-year and 5-year “going nowhere” relationships, I started thinking about how it happened.
I realized I was in significant pain due to how my narcissistic mother had treated me when I was a teenager. I had such low self-confidence that I was willing to accept breadcrumbs just to feel loved by others.
I feel so sad for my younger self but also proud that she did her best at the time.
In my adult life, I kept repeating the “working hard to be loved” kind of relationship. That was a sign that I hadn’t recovered from my childhood trauma. As soon as I understood this, I started learning how to heal my inner child.
Right now, are you wishing that the breakup had never happened? That you could have had a happy life with your ex?
Take a deep breath and slow down.
Give yourself time to heal, uplevel your standards by learning new skills, and then go out there and enjoy your single life.
You’ll realize that your ex might not be compatible with your future life. God or the universe has removed that person from your life because you deserve better.
When you reach this understanding, you’ll know you have transformed yourself into a new person and are ready to start a new chapter.
3. How did my life experiences shape the beliefs and attitudes that led me to this relationship?
We are all born as blank sheets of paper.
The world teaches us how to survive. For children, the world means their parents or caregivers. That’s why our upbringing shapes the way we see the world and connect with others.
In adulthood, this lens also affects the way we navigate our romantic relationships.
Let me share a personal story of how my life experiences affected my romantic relationships.
When I was 15, my mother left my Dad and me. I haven’t talked to her for 20 years and counting. This event made me question my worth. I didn’t like this narrative in my head, so I kept trying to prove to the world that I was worth something.
Regardless of my family drama, I got into a good university, won a debate competition, learned a new language, started a small business, etc. I looked like an ambitious young woman who was ready to conquer the world.
Unfortunately, in personal relationships, this “I must work hard to prove I’m worthy” mentality translated into difficulty in accepting love. I felt like I had to work hard to be loved.
I kept getting into relationships in which guys treated me as simply another option. I was foolish enough to think that if I loved my partner enough, sacrificed enough, and understood enough, he would make me a priority.
I repeated this relationship pattern with 3 guys, using up 20 years of my adulthood.
Ouch!
So, if you have just experienced a breakup and think that getting into dating will heal your pain, I suggest you slow down.
Take time to see your life from a bird’s eye view and look into the beliefs and self-doubt that led you into this relationship.
This isn’t rocket science.
Your task is to dig deeper into your trauma and begin the healing process. I’m not going to lie — this process can be challenging. However, you’ll be surprised to discover how acknowledging this trauma can be life-changing.
Now, every time I’m hesitant to make a decision, I check on my inner child to see what she wants. My adult self will figure out the “how,” but my inner child always guides me to happiness.
4. What goals can I set for myself moving forward?
When you’re brokenhearted, the worst thing you can do is dwell in the past and wish that things were different. You might spend days, weeks, and even months (I’m guilty of this!) overanalyzing what happened and wishing you had done something different.
If I had done or said something different, maybe this separation wouldn’t have happened.
The fact is, your partner chose to leave. Digging into the reason and overthinking the situation won’t bring him back. Even if you could bring your ex back, that doesn’t mean it would be the best thing for you.
Instead of wishing for things to be different, why not use this opportunity to redesign your life? As a single, you have the freedom to decide what kind of life you want for yourself. Use this freedom wisely.
Ask yourself, ”What goals can I set for myself moving forward?”
This question will help you imagine what will happen in your life in the next 3-5 years. Write down anything that pops up in your life; don’t filter your ideas.
Once you have your bucket list, you can look for pictures that bring your imagination to life. Go to Pinterest and Google, then download and print these pictures.
You can put the pictures on a Pinterest mood board, or compile them into one picture in Canva, download it, and save it as your phone background. Or you can go old-school by printing them on paper and sticking them on a piece of cardboard.
Your vision board is ready.
One important thing to do is make sure you check your vision board every day. It will show you what your life will look like in the future. Then you can take action accordingly.
A vision board will also act as a filter when you’re in doubt while making a decision.
When something comes up, (let’s say, you got a job offer out of nowhere), your vision board will help you decide. You can ask, “Does this offer bring me closer to my ideal life?”
If the answer is no, you can reject the offer.
The same thing applies to personal choices and how you spend money. Thanks to my vision board, I’ve become super-intentional about how I use my time and money. It doesn’t surprise me when, after several months, my short-term goals manifest in my life, and I get closer to my ideal life.
5. What actions can I take today to move away from my broken heart?
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
You build a new life every day by doing the right things.
The following are important: 1) You do the right thing. 2) You put consistent effort into it.
That’s why asking yourself, “What actions can I take today?” should become your daily routine as you write your to-do list.
If you give yourself enough time, you will see the needle move gradually toward your goal. If you make no progress, you must evaluate. Maybe you’re not doing the right thing, you’re not consistent enough, or you need to change your goal entirely.
Baby steps are the best way to set yourself up for success. This prevents you from getting overwhelmed and motivates you to continue on the next day.
Here’s a real-life example. Let’s say you want to focus on your health this year. You set the goal of going to the gym 2 hours a day, every day. How long do you think you can sustain this target?
I bet you’d give up in less than 10 days.
Now, what if you changed your target to be? In this case, your goal is to go to the gym 1 hour for 3 times a week. If you feel lazy, you replace that gym session with a 20-minute walk with your dog.
That sounds more doable, doesn’t it?
Walking for 20 minutes won’t give you a 6 pack, but it will make you get out of your house and move your body. After 6 months of doing this, you’ll notice your body is healthier and you have more energy.
How do I know that?
Because that’s the way I got back into shape. I walked for 20 minutes — and even longer if I enjoyed it. I did this only 2 times a week, but after 3 months I felt like I looked better in my clothes. This motivates me to do more.
Fast-forward 2 years later, I still don’t have a 6 pack, but I can do a wheel pose in my late 30s plus eat whatever I want. I call that a win.
This process will never end…
These 5 questions, if answered properly, will help you heal your broken heart. This means you must give yourself time to think, write your answer, and review it.
If you simply skim this article and then do nothing, nothing will happen.
Healing a broken heart is a process, not an event. If you regard it as the latter, you’ll fail in your attempt to make a difference, pick yourself up, and try again.
Even after you move on and heal from your broken heart, you must ask these 5 questions again to check in on yourself. Life is full of ups and downs that require you to navigate your emotions along the way.
Whatever happens, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve happiness, and with time and effort, you will find it.
Good luck!
