I learned all these lessons from three breakups I got through from my early 20s to mid-30s.
I always found myself emerging stronger than ever.
So today, you’re in for a treat because you’ll be learning these valuable lessons that it took me 15 years to acquire.
Fully reiterating my love story would take days, so I’ve selected the best relationship lessons I learned after healing from a broken heart.
The time you spend reading this article will save you decades, of sleepless nights, and lead you down a new road.
Let’s go!
1. You don’t need to keep memories from a relationship that didn’t work.
Do you still wear a shirt from your ex?
Or have the plushy he gave you on Valentine’s Day three years ago?
I hope some of you do, so I don’t feel so alone.
I’m a very melancholic person and love to keep memories. I still remember the first concert I attended with my dad or what my granny told me when I was in elementary school.
Naturally, I do the same thing in my romantic relationships.
I thought there was nothing wrong with keeping things that reminded me of my ex. A failed relationship is part of my life story; it made me who I am today.
Then, I found myself single at 35, and I asked myself difficult questions about my past relationship. I learned that decluttering is part of the healing process. You must remove everything – stuff, files, Instagram photos, and even people – that doesn’t bring joy to your life.
You don’t need to be psychotic like Taylor Swift in the Blank Space music video. Once you feel like yourself again, gather everything that reminds you of your ex. Put it in a box and then either donate it or throw it away.
Letting go of things from your last relationship signals to your brain that you’re ready to let go. It’s an “out of sight, out of mind” situation.
Life will go on. Soon, you will buy new things and create new memories.
After I had this realization, I set a new rule: I hold onto only memories that bring me joy.
This applies to friends, family members, and romantic relationships.
When you let go of those memories, you’re not erasing the past or pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, you’re making room for new experiences and fresh starts.
2. You don’t need to “prove” that you deserve to be chosen.
This lesson is very personal to me.
During childhood, I felt like I had to “prove” something to be chosen. I had to get good grades so that my mom would care about me. I had to win a competition so that my dad would be proud of me.
In adulthood, I dragged along this mentality to my romantic life.
Somehow, I always ended up working hard in relationships, hoping the men would choose me. I even helped many of my male friends get what they wanted in life (usually something related to academics) so that they’d know I was a good friend.
Unfortunately, most of the time, I ended up disappointed.
My exes (three people) decided to leave no matter what I did.
Some of those friends whom I helped ended up bragging about their success in front of me without saying “thank you” to me for being part of their success stories.
I spent years asking myself, “Why are these people so ungrateful?”
But you can’t change others. You can only change yourself. So, I looked inside to see where this behavior came from.
I learned the hard way that those who love you will find a reason to stay with you. Those who won’t—let them go!
Now, every time I help others, I have zero expectations. I offer help because generosity is one of my life’s values. I do it as a “future investment” so that one day, if I need help, somehow God or the Universe will lend a hand.
If that helping hand doesn’t come from those I helped in the past, I’m no longer surprised.
So, be careful using the overdeliver rule in a relationship. You might waste your resources for nothing.
If your partner gives only 30% to the relationship, make sure you also give 30%. Never waste your energy giving 70% just to make the relationship work.
Furthermore, if you feel like your partner gives you only the bare minimum, take it as a sign that you need a new partner. We shouldn’t seek perfection in relationships, but a good effort is a must.
3. Everyone makes decisions in their best interests, and so should you.
My three failed long-term relationships taught me that everyone makes decisions in their best interests.
They might say they love you. They might make you laugh. You might have a good time with them. However, if you’re not getting what you want, the relationship isn’t worth your time.
This situation usually starts with a “Let’s see where the ball rolls” mentality. If you have only one or two random dates, that can be fun. But, if you date one person for months, you must ask yourself what you want from your partner.
Knowing what you want in the relationship will allow you to filter out incompatible men.
Let’s say you want to get married soon. With this goal in mind, it’s unwise to get into a relationship with someone who is unemployed and barely takes care of themself.
Even if you don’t want to get married soon (like I was in my 20s), when you’re close to someone, you’ll share your resources with them. You will spend time and money on dates, listen to their problems, and even help them resolve those problems.
If you know the relationship won’t go anywhere, that’s not kindness; that’s silly.
One day, you’ll wake up alone and start your life over from scratch like I did in my mid-30s.
Once I learned my lesson, I became strict with my time. When I focused on building my life, my ideal life started to manifest itself. I changed my career, started dating intentionally, and planned my life according to what I wanted.
If I had done this in my early 20s, my life might be entirely different now. But, hey, things happen for a reason. These valuable lessons led me to my dream life; everything will work out for me at the right time.
4. If they don’t give you what you want, move on.
Sometimes, you like a guy, but he doesn’t fit into your relationship goals.
The old me would have taken this as a challenge: If I love him enough, he will change.
Does that sound familiar?
I have bad news for you: He will never change.
You will be wasting your energy.
For example, if a man isn’t financially stable, it’s not your responsibility to help him get a job and polish his career. It’s his responsibility. You’re looking for a partner, not a son.
The first time I had this realization, I felt icky.
Shouldn’t I stay with a man I love through his ups and downs?
Yes, you should —after you get into the relationship. Being with your partner “ride or die” is part of being in a committed relationship.
But in the beginning, you must filter your matches based on your dating preferences. If someone doesn’t fit, move on to the next one.
Never settle for less than you deserve.
If you do settle, you might find yourself trapped in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you. What’s the point of having a partner if he doesn’t uplift your life?
However, there are many social aspects in relationships. Society sets standards for what a woman should do at a certain age, such as getting married at 25 and having kids before 30.
Or that a woman’s life is over if she’s single with no kids after 35. This rubbish speaks to my soul, and I still need to neutralize it every time I make a decision.
Such expectations might lead women to make rushed life choices. They’ll grab whoever they have at that moment and forget to ask what they really want.
Don’t be one of those women.
Be the captain of your life. Societal expectations won’t pay your bills. If things go wrong, you’re the one who has to deal with the consequences.
5. You always need to reinvent yourself.
What got you here isn’t enough to get you there.
Everything that happens in your life today is a result of decisions you made in the past. Your decisions are a result of your mindset.
If you want a different life, you must change your mindset.
If you stay the way you are, you’ll do the same things and end up with the same pain.
If you’re ok with that, go ahead.
A simple example is the frenzied AI we have today. Rather than bury your head in the sand or deny it exists, why not research the effects of AI on your industry and ways you can use it to your advantage?
The same goes for relationships.
Rather than wasting your time stalking your ex or rushing to commit to the first guy who approaches you, why not slow down and work on yourself?
Set new standards for your life, adopt new habits, learn to communicate better, polish your appearance, hang out with a new circle, etc.
These little differences will lead you to a new life.
I speak from experience.
When I was single again at 35, I decided not to date for a year or two. I focused on myself: learning to be mindful of my emotions, reading books that gave me new ideas, blocking out time for workouts twice a week, starting a new career, and hanging out with new people.
Two years have passed. I’m still not a millionaire, and I don’t have a six-pack, but I can say my life is in the best shape it’s ever been. If I compare myself to my old self six months ago, I notice new lessons I learned.
That’s a sign I’m on the right path.
You should do the same thing: Compare who you are now with the old you from six months ago or last year. That time frame should be long enough for you to have made progress.
If you’ve made no progress in all areas of your life within that time frame, that’s a red flag you must pay attention to.
When you are finally ready to move on…
Make sure you have learned all the lessons above. Use those lessons to create a life full of joy and fulfillment.
Don’t feel rushed about anything. You’ve got time.
Chin up and focus on your first step. That’s what I’ve been telling myself since my 35th birthday.
It’s been two years and counting since I started this new journey, and I’ve had the best time of my life.
I’m still single because I date intentionally, I love myself more than ever, my safety is beefed up, and I know new experiences are waiting for me.
If I can do it, so can you!
