How to Find Joy in Solitude After a Breakup

After my last breakup, my mind was filled with racing thoughts.

I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, but maybe love just isn’t meant for me.

I feel pressure to get married and have kids soon. I’m 35, and my biological clock is ticking.

Wait! Before anything else, I need to secure my finances. Just look at my bank account; it needs all the help it can get.

I know being single isn’t the end of the world. Time will heal my heart, and I’ll be able to move forward.

But what does it really mean to ‘move on’?

Does it mean finding someone new?

I tried that already; I started dating someone just six months after ending my eight-year relationship. That new relationship lasted five years, and now I’m heartbroken again.

This time, I need a different approach. So, I stay single, embracing solitude to sort through my thoughts and plan my next steps.

In this article, I will share how my experience taught me to find joy in solitude after a breakup. You might move on at a slower pace, and your social media may not look glamorous, but every step will lead you in the right direction.

After Your Partner Moves Out: How to Embrace Being Alone?

Do you know what the worst part of breaking up is?

It’s the silence that creeps in when no one is around. You realize your life will never be the same again now that your partner has moved out.

Fortunately, embracing being alone isn’t always a bad thing. History shows that many people have achieved breakthroughs after spending time alone.

Take J.K. Rowling, for example. She wrote the first Harry Potter book after her divorce while she was a broke, single mom. Living in an apartment without a heater, she worked at a coffee shop. She wrote with one hand and rocked her daughter’s stroller with the other to keep her calm.

Or Steve Jobs, who learned about graphic design after being ousted from Apple. When he finally returned, his new graphic design skills contributed to why Apple products are known for having some of the best designs among computer brands.

You might not write a best-selling novel or invent a revolutionary computer. That said, you can still gain something valuable from this time of solitude.

Instead of viewing this alone time as a punishment, try to view it as an opportunity. Choose to be happily alone and think about what you want to do with your life.

Solitude vs Loneliness: Are They the Same?

No, they’re not.

Loneliness comes when you feel disconnected or misunderstood. Solitude, on the other hand, means choosing to spend time with yourself.

That’s why you can feel alone even when you’re surrounded by people. This is how I felt at my 9-to-5 job or when I was with people who didn’t understand me.

On the other hand, introverts know best how to find peace in solitude.

Understanding the difference will help you understand how to embrace solitude after separation. Instead of seeking company or feeling ashamed of being single, it’s time to use this moment to empower yourself.

It’s Time to Design for Joyful Solitude 

Step 1. Allow yourself to experience your feelings.

This is the first step toward healing.

Allow yourself to curl up on your bed, cry, and feel all your emotions. Don’t judge what you feel, or push it aside; just let it flow.

Depending on how deeply you’re hurting, you’ll experience low moments throughout the process.

For me, recovery took about half the length of the relationship. It took me 4 years to move on from an 8-year relationship and 2.5 years to get over a 5-year one. Once I’m over it, I’m done for good!

The only way to know how quickly you’ll recover is by going through it. Remember, this isn’t a race. Take as long as you need.

Though recovery takes time, you won’t miss out on life. You’ll still continue your normal life: going to work, hanging out with friends, and finding happiness in solitude.

Step 2. Take care of your physical health.

We tend to neglect ourselves when we’re heartbroken.

Why bother taking care of yourself, dressing up, and wearing makeup after your partner has left you?

The answer is simple: you do it for yourself.

While coping with a broken heart and searching for joy in sorrow, you need all the energy you can get. That’s why it’s important to care of your physical health, even when you don’t feel like it.

You don’t have to spend thousands of dollars. Just make sure you sleep 8 hours a night, eat nourishing food, drink plenty of water, and move your body for at least 20 minutes daily.

Step 3. Be kind to yourself and others.

Kindness reaches deep into the heart and soothes the soul. We were taught to be kind to others as children, but rarely to be kind to ourselves.

It’s time to shake things up.

There is happiness in solitude. You can find it by being kind to yourself. Praise and encourage yourself. When negative thoughts creep in, brush them off.

You’ve probably heard about self-love before. However, knowing and practicing self-love are two different things. Make it easier by incorporating self-love into your daily routine.

Each morning, look in the mirror and say, ‘Good morning, [Your name]! You look great, and I love you!’

Feel free to change what you say based on how you want to feel that day or say something to challenge any limiting beliefs. If you want to feel beautiful, tell yourself you are.

After a breakup, I needed to feel loved and chosen, so I told myself, ‘Anggi, I love you and choose you every day.’

Sure, it might feel a bit silly, but keep going! After a while, you’ll start to feel a positive shift within. Your voice is the most powerful one in your head, so make sure you like what you’re telling yourself.

Once you practice self-empathy, it becomes easier to extend it to others. It will feel natural to smile and thank the server. You’ll hold the door for others and tell your barista, ‘Have a good day.’

Kindness is contagious.

You’ll notice others becoming kinder to you, too. They’ll look you in the eye, say, ‘Thank you,’ and it will warm your heart. This is how you cultivate solitude and happiness at the same time.

Step 4. Go Outside.

Nature has a magical way of calming our souls. If you’re looking for happiness in solitude, step outside and enjoy your surroundings. Trust me, it’s hard to feel depressed when you’re surrounded by nature.

You don’t have to climb a mountain, go kayaking, or camp outdoors. Enjoying nature can be as simple as visiting a nearby park, sitting on a bench, or gazing at the blue sky. Take a deep breath and fill your lungs with air.

Being outside makes you realize that you are part of something bigger. If you stay home crying over your ex, you’ll feel like your ex is the center of the universe.

If you’re a busy hustler, going outside can be even easier. While commuting, pay attention to your surroundings. Look at people’s faces. You’ll see a sleepy man, a weary middle-aged woman, and someone with worn clothes.

You are not the only one with problems in this world. Yes, your pain is real. But keep your chin up and believe that things will get better soon.

Step 5: Have some laughs.

Have you ever heard a child laugh? Their laughter is so carefree as if children have no worries at all.

Notice how a child’s laughter makes you smile; it shows how our emotions influence those around us. 

Let’s use this to our advantage.

Make time to laugh every day. If you have a child or pets, it won’t be difficult. Playing with them is sure to bring you a lot of laughs.

If you’re alone, you might need some help to get laughing. Watching movies is one of the easiest ways—just choose a comedy that makes you laugh out loud. If you’re a fan of the show Friends, you can also play it as background noise while doing your chores.

Make it fun by challenging yourself to laugh every day for a week. Add it to your to-do list to ensure you follow through. Notice how you feel when you make time to laugh every day.

Step 6. Reconnect with yourself.

Do you remember how, in high school, we loved to follow trends and do whatever it took to get our crushes to notice us?

Let’s revisit that memory from our adult perspective for a second. What happened back then? We chased other people’s validation. We wanted to be the cool kid who went to prom with our crush.

Do we still live our lives that way?

We’re busy trying to meet social standards and seeking likes for our Instagram posts. We travel to Instagrammable spots, eat viral foods, and buy the latest gadgets to keep up with the Joneses.

When was the last time you did something because you wanted to?

Now that you’re embracing solitude, it’s time to set aside other people’s expectations and connect with your inner child. Ask her what she wants.

Journaling is a great way to do this because it allows you to slow down and listen to your inner voice. By doing this, you might find the answer to your happiness in solitude.

Don’t believe me? Read Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck. You’ll learn that making space for your inner child in your adult life is the key to your genuine happiness.

You might need to pick up your old comics, try painting, start singing, go camping, or adopt pets again. In my case, I returned to writing to make my inner child happy. I even built a new career based on my writing. That’s why you’re reading this blog post.

Step 7. Ask yourself, “How did I end up here?”

In steps 1 to 6, you’ve enjoyed your time alone. I hope at this point you can say to yourself, ‘I love being alone.’

But finding joy in solitude isn’t just about having fun. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is look at your life with fresh eyes and make some changes.

It also means acknowledging that you made a mistake, not blaming anyone, and taking full responsibility for your life. You need to do a life audit to find what works and what doesn’t. Grab a pen and paper, and then answer these questions:

• Why did I choose to end my relationship?  
• What lessons have I learned from my past relationship?  
• Why did I decide to commit to my ex in the first place?  
• Despite being brokenhearted, how do I feel about my life right now? Are my current health, finances, spiritual life, and career on track?
• Have I noticed any thought patterns holding me back from my best life?
• If I had a a magic wand, what changes would I want to make?  

After answering those questions, you should gain clarity on why your life is the way it is. Then, you should create your plan on how to get your life back together again during this time of solitude.

Step 8. Decide what you want in life.

Do you know what happens when you get in the car without a destination? You will drive around the city, using up gas, getting tired, and wasting your time.

The same goes for your life.

Without clear goals, you’ll wake up every morning running around, but your life won’t make meaningful progress. During this solitude time, ask yourself if you feel stuck in your life.

When you’ve had enough and are ready to start a new life, your first step is deciding what you truly want in life.

Make a bucket list of everything you want to achieve in life. Describe what your perfect life looks like. Be specific: Where do you live? What do you do for a living? Are you married? Do you want kids or pets? What matters most to you right now?

In addition to material things, think about how you want to feel about your ideal life. How do you want to feel when you wake up in the morning? How about at the end of the day? How do you feel when you meet your partner at home?

As you do this, don’t let the “how” limit your dream. We’ll figure that out later. After you have your bucket list, find pictures that represent that life. Gather them on a board or use Canva, and voila— your vision board is ready.

Step 9: Declutter your life to make space for your new life.

In order to bring your vision board to life, you must make some changes. This includes removing reminders of your ex (pictures, clothes, plushies, etc), learning new skills, flipping negative thoughts, having a new routine, avoiding certain people related to your ex, or even moving to a new place to start fresh.

In simple terms, you need to evolve into a new version of yourself to create a new life.

For those who are proud of the way they are (this was me), here’s what I’m going to say: that’s the reason your life is the way it is. Your next level of life requires an updated version of yourself.

Why is decluttering important for finding joy in your solitude after a breakup?

So that you have space for new things that come into your life.

From experience, decluttering your stuff is the easiest one. If you don’t want to do it yourself, you can even pay someone else to do it for you or ask for a favor from your squad.

The hardest part is removing negative people, especially if they’re family or friends. To make things easier, think of it as consciously spending less time with people rather than cutting them off.

Once you’ve organized your physical environment and removed the influence of negative people, it’s time to declutter your mind.

First, identify thoughts and limiting beliefs that hold you back from your goals. Usually, most of us are already aware of these, but we simply don’t take action to address them.

Then, ask yourself when you first started having this belief. What story behind it? Then, you must proactively adopt new beliefs that empower you.

You will repeat this process several times. Changing your mindset is like peeling an onion—each layer brings you closer to the core.

Step 10. Enjoy your journey.

Finding joy in solitude involves embracing your journey of recovery after a broken heart. So take your time and avoid asking, ‘When will I get there?’

Because you never will. Once you get what you want, there will always be new things that you desire. That’s how life works until the end.

Here are some tips to make you enjoy your journey:

• Expect things to be hard, and prepare to encounter failures. You might take a detour, but you never give up. This is a very important approach to upgrading your life. If you expect things to be smooth, one failure will make you throw in the towel entirely.
• Break down your goal into bite-size milestones so that you have plenty of milestones to celebrate. If you want to save $1,000, break it into $100 increments so you’ll have 10 milestones to celebrate. This will help you progress more easily.
• Gamify your transformation! Reward yourself every time you reach a milestone, and give yourself a little ‘punishment’ when you don’t. Keep it fun, but don’t go overboard.

You Can Find Joy in Any Circumstances

In any situation, you can choose joy or sorrow. I used to think this was nonsense—how can we find joy in spite of everything when Debbie Downers and jerks mess with our lives?

But the more mature I am, the more I understand that you can find happiness in any circumstance. It’s not that your life is perfect, but that you challenge yourself to focus on positive things in any situation.

Even on a long, miserable day and the only highlight is your first sip of coffee, focus on that.

Okay. But why should we try to find joyful in any circumstances, and how do we do it?

Let’s begin with why this is important.

By training your brain to focus on positive things, you will develop a more positive outlook on life. People enjoy having you around. It will open up many opportunities, and that’s how your life will improve.

Now, let’s get into the how.

At the end of each day, write down three things that went well. You can write anything from small moments like bumping into a handsome stranger who smiles at you, to significant achievements, like hitting your sales target.

Do this daily for a week, then look back at what you’ve written. You will realize there’s so much to be grateful for.

Notice how your feelings change when you focus on the bright side of life. Yes, you still need to work on your life and recover from a broken heart, but there are good things around you.

Embracing Solitude: Nothing Lasts Forever.

In life, joy and sorrow are inseparable, and you’ll experience both. I hope this article helps you navigate through your downtimes.

Sooner or later, you’ll get out of your shell and continue your life.

Some people interpret this by going back to the dating game. If that’s not your cup of tea for now, here are some ideas to spice up your life:

• Try a new fitness class. If you’re a Pilates type of girl, let’s try Zumba or Hip Hop dancing class and see if you like it.
• Read different kinds of books. Choose to read a romantic or mystery novel and put your personal growth book aside.
• Why don’t you learn a new language? It will be fun and you can meet new people.
• Challenge yourself to improve a skill you’re not good at. For me, it’s cooking, so I’m challenging myself to cook more than just ramen.
• Let’s face your fears. Dare yourself to do things that you are scared of.

These ideas will spark new adventures in your life, helping you see life in a new way.

Enjoy your journey!