Breaking up is tough, no doubt about it.
But sometimes, that’s exactly what you need to live your best life.
In this article, you’ll get a step-by-step guide on how to break up for good.
This guide will work best for those who are in a committed relationship without children.
If you are simply dating several people and don’t want to see one of them anymore, you don’t need this heavy-duty preparation.
Let’s get into it.
Do you really need a breakup?
Breaking up with someone we love is hard. That means you must have a strong reason why you want or need a breakup. This section will help you find the answer.
1. How happy are you in your relationship?
Determining how happy you are in your relationship is important before you go through the turmoil of breaking up.
To find out, ask yourself these questions:
- Can I communicate openly and honestly with my partner?
- How do I feel when I’m with my partner?
- Do I feel excited to see my partner after long hours at work?
- Can we give each other feedback when things pop up?
- Do our values, goals, and lifestyles align, or does my partner always go with his idea?
From those questions, you can sense how your current relationship makes you feel. You can see whether your partner gets you and has your back – or has your partner become a source of trouble in your life?
2. Have you tried to address or resolve the issues in the relationship?
After examining question #1, you might find that you’re not as happy as you expected.
The next question is: Can you determine what must improve in your relationship? Is there something that you and your partner always disagree about?
If the answer is yes, have you tried to address the problems with your partner? Does your partner try to make some changes?
If your partner doesn’t bother to change the situation or try to make you happy, why do you stay with a person like that?
On the other hand, you must realize that everyone has flaws and there’s nothing you can do about that. Part of loving someone is accepting their flaws and loving them the way they are.
If he is already doing his best to make you happy and you don’t feel fulfilled, it’s your call to whether you want to try with another guy or accept your current partner as is.
3. Do you see a future with your current partner?
Maintaining relationships is hard.
Getting through a breakup is also hard.
To live your best life, you must choose your hard wisely. Consider whether you have grown apart over time but without realizing it. Or maybe you’ve recognized it all along but don’t dare to make changes.
Ask yourself: If things stay the same in my current relationship, what will my life look like in the next 5-10 years with my current partner?
Are you happy about that?
If you don’t feel excited about what to expect in the future, it’s time to make some changes.
A relationship must contribute to your life, not just be a waste of time or offer someone to fill a void.
What should you do before the breakup?
If you have concluded that you need a breakup, it’s time to make a plan around it. Points #4 to #8 will help you tailor this plan to your needs.
4. Pick the right time.
When it comes to breaking up, timing is key to making the transition smoother and avoiding unnecessary drama.
You don’t want to drop the bomb right before something big, like a family event, a medical treatment, or an important work meeting.
Choose a time that allows both you and your soon-to-be ex to have a weekend to recover after hearing the bad news.
On the other hand, don’t drag it out too long just because you’re scared to pull the trigger. If you do, sooner or later your partner will notice something is off. You might get caught up in a fight and blurt out your breakup line at the worst possible moment.
5. Prepare your breakup line.
Preparing your breakup line is a crucial step in the process of ending a relationship. Otherwise, you might end up winging it or blurting out something that’ll make things worse.
Keep your breakup line honest, straight, and short. Here’s an example:
“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about our relationship. I think it’s best for both of us if we go our separate ways.”
Avoid pointing fingers, making it sound like it’s all his fault, or giving feedback on how your ex should behave.
Nobody wants to listen to any advice after breaking up.
It’s over now.
Give feedback only when you’re trying to make the relationship work.
6. Practice your line.
Once you have your line, practice saying it out loud a few times to see how it sounds.
Or you can role-play with a friend or speak in a mirror.
If you want to refine the words, this is the time. Just understand, that breaking up sucks no matter how you say it. So there’s no need to water it down or overthink it.
Hearing your breakup line out loud can also give you a better sense of how it will be received. You might cringe, feel butterflies in your stomach, or even feel sick.
This is exactly the reason why you should practice your line: Prepare yourself.
7. Set your accountability system.
At this point, you have your time, and your breakup line, and you’ve practiced your line. You’re ready for the big day.
Unfortunately, preparation doesn’t guarantee that you will follow through with your plan. Here’s where having an accountability system will come in handy.
This is a fancy way of saying you should tell a friend or family member about your plan and ask them to make sure you do the job. If possible, choose someone who doesn’t get along with your current partner.
Then, set a reward and punishment and allow your accountability buddy to execute it. For example:
- Punishment: If you love puppies, give $100 to your friend and allow him/her to donate the money to a cause you can’t stand such as the “People Who Hate Puppies” fund.
- Reward: Set a travel destination and reward yourself with a little getaway.
Knowing there’s a consequence can give you the extra push to get it done. Make sure the punishment is painful, while the reward should be something you look forward to. This will help ease the breakup process.
However, an accountability partner is optional. If you feel confident in executing your plan solo, that’s great.
Just go for it, then enjoy your reward.
8. Show time!
Now, everything is ready.
It’s time for the real breakup talk.
Keep everything real, concise, and respectful.
Say your breakup line, and thank your ex for the memories.
No need to say who’s at fault or get heated.
Just say what needs to be said.
If you’re living together, set a plan for one of you to move out and execute accordingly.
After the talk, give each other some space to process what’s just happened. Your partner might show emotional turbulence if he’s not ready for what’s coming. That’s normal.
Stay firm with your decision.
Soon, things will get better and both of you will recover.
What should you do after the breakup?
The damage is done. Now, you’re single. But you might need some help to stay that way and not make an emotional decision. Here is some advice to keep in mind.
9. No breakup sex!
When it comes to breaking up, one rule to remember is to avoid having breakup sex.
It might seem like a good idea in the heat of the moment, but it can make things more complicated in the long run.
You might think you’re still in love with your partner and everything will get better. But the reason why you want a breakup isn’t resolved by having sex once.
You only set a ticking bomb in your relationship and waste your time.
10. No Q&A, please!
When it’s breakup time, keep it simple and avoid turning the conversation into a Q&A session. You’re there only to end the relationship.
Your ex might ask questions like, “What’s wrong with me?”
You don’t need to go on and on about the reasons why you want a breakup. Just brush it off.
Here’s a simple line:
“I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you. We just aren’t the right fit for each other.”
Keep it short. This will make it easier for both of you to move on.
11. Get your reward!
You’ve done a tough thing by breaking up. Your future self will be proud of you.
Remember the reward you set in point #4? It’s time to enjoy it!
Have fun!
However, enjoying your reward isn’t the end of your healing process. It’s the beginning.
After the sadness subsides, you’ll have homework to do to make sure you don’t go through this breakup in vain.
12. Take care of yourself.
Now, you’re single. Once you get back from your short getaway (or enjoy the reward you chose in point #4), it’s time to get back to the real world.
There’s no need to be ashamed if you still feel sad and sometimes wonder if you have made the right decision.
It’s normal.
Anyone who seems to have brushed off their ex is probably distracting themselves so they don’t have to face their real emotions.
At this point, your number one focus is to take care of yourself. Giving yourself space to process your emotions.
Your life isn’t over just because you broke up with your ex.
You will cry, a lot.
Taking time to journal your feelings will be helpful.
Or you can write a letter to yourself or your ex, then tear up or burn it. This is a way to express your feelings so your emotional baggage isn’t overloaded.
Besides that, treat yourself well in any way that makes you feel comfortable (while still being responsible financially). I like to take myself on dates to watch movies at the theater, get manicures at the salon, and get a massage every month.
How about you? What’s your favorite form of self-care?
13. Limit contact with your ex.
Now that the relationship is over, you must act in line with that.
Limiting your contact with your ex will help you move on more easily.
Setting physical boundaries is pretty easy. You can move out and be done. Your ex is out of sight.
However, in modern dating, the challenging part is setting boundaries on social media. You might easily find yourself stalking your ex to find out whether he has moved on, has new dates, etc.
Or, in an ugly cry moment, you’ll end up chatting with or calling your ex.
Therefore, blocking your ex to make sure you have no contact can be a choice. At least for now when you’re feeling low.
But what if he needs me? What if he does something stupid?
That’s not your business.
Both of you are adults, so your ex must take care of himself, just like you do.
If you find yourself worrying about your ex, send a prayer to God/the higher power you believe in. Wish your ex the best in life.
Done.
14. Limit your social media time.
When you’re going through a breakup, it’s a good idea to ease off social media. Resist the urge to trash-talk your ex online or get into a virtual shouting match if he’s doing it to you.
Right now, focus on getting your life back on track.
Talking about your ex on social media might get you empathy from the internet but those are empty words. What you need is real support from friends and family who truly care about you.
Even if you’ve blocked your ex on social media, limiting your screen time can still be beneficial.
Checking on what people do on social media when you feel like sh*t after the breakup, will take a toll on your self-confidence.
When I broke up, I scrolled through my Instagram and found out that three other girls had gotten engaged. It made me feel like nobody wanted me. I wondered if I’d die alone, and I questioned my worth as a woman.
These are unnecessary thoughts you can avoid only by uninstalling Instagram from your phone.
If you love social media, you can get back to it once you feel like yourself again.
I ended up uninstalling Instagram for more than a year. In the meantime, I built a new business, started dating again, and, surprisingly didn’t miss social media that much.
You’d be surprised at how much time you can get back by limiting your social media access. When you focus on yourself and activities that bring you joy, it’s easier to feel happy with your life.
And happy people heal their broken hearts faster.
15. Reflect on your lesson from your previous relationship.
Breaking up sucks, but it’s important to not let the pain go to waste. Take a moment to think about what you’ve learned from your past relationship.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What were the main reasons for the breakup?
- How did I contribute to the problems in the relationship?
- Did I communicate effectively in the relationship?
- How did I handle conflicts and disagreements?
- What patterns or behaviors do I need to change in future relationships?
Take time to ask yourself these questions and answer them as comprehensively as you can. It’s even better if you can write your answer. The result will be a guide for your next relationship.
You might need several sessions to ask each question above. The more you elaborate on your answer, the deeper you will dig deeper to learn more lessons.
Once you’re done, you will find yourself growing from the experience and coming out stronger and wiser.
How NOT to backslide into the relationship.
Humans are creatures of habit. We don’t like to change, and we prefer to stay with the routine. No wonder when we break up, it’s easy to backslide into what’s familiar to us: our ex.
The first few nights can be tough, so lean on supportive friends or family to help you process your emotions and provide a safe space for you to grieve.
Whatever you do, don’t make your ex your late-night call. No hooking up with him. No sex with your ex when you’re breaking up, or days, weeks, or months after that.
Disappear from your ex’s life for a while to allow for a clean break and to prevent any mixed signals.
Don’t try to be “a nice ex” by checking on your ex constantly to make sure they’re ok. This doesn’t help anyone and only slows down your healing process.
Additionally, to help you break up for good, here are some exercises you can try:
- Write 10 positive aspects of the breakup.
- Write 10 things you hated about the previous relationship.
- Create a vision board of what you want in your future relationship.
When you list what this breakup can bring to your life, you’ll know you’re doing the right thing. Your heart is still hurt, but things will only get better from now on.
Best of luck!
