This article is for those who want to start dating again post-divorce.
Also for those of you getting through terrible breakups from long-term relationship.
Whether you’re married or not, separating from someone you once loved can feel awful. And at your lowest point, finding love again can feel impossible. You’re just too tired to get hurt.
I feel you.
I write this article from past experiences after surviving the breakdown of 3 long-term relationships and getting into rebound relationships. Somehow I made all the mistakes in the book.
That being said, let me accompany you on your healing journey and help you avoid a rebound relationship at all costs. Let’s dig in!
Why Rushing Into a Relationship Might Not Be the Best Idea
1. Emotional Check: Are You Ready to Love Again?
Diving into a new relationship post-divorce is, like standing at the edge of a swimming pool. You must check if the water’s fine before you jump.
First, put your toes in the water to check the temperature. Then you can check one foot at a time to see how deep the water is. When you have a better picture of the whole situation, you can make the right decision whether you’re going all in or retreating.
That’s what this emotional check is about.
Take a moment to feel your heart out. If you’re still crying and thinking about your former partner, you’re not ready for the next relationship. Take your time. Love is not a race. A lot of people need time to recover from broken hearts.
It doesn’t mean you’re weak.
Let me tell you a secret: people who look like they got over their ex ‘just like that’ are NOT getting over it. They distract themselves with their career, hookups, other committed relationship, and anything they can find to avoid facing the pain.
Allowing yourself to process your heart wrench shows that you respect your feelings. When you’re finally done, you’re DONE! And you’re ready to love again with a higher standard.
2. The Need for Grieving and Letting Go After a Divorce.
Separation in a relationship will throw you off balance. The life you’ve been familiar with is suddenly gone and you don’t know what to do next.
One thing you must do: is grieve and let go of your loved one.
Think of it as decluttering your heart. You must toss out the old stuff to make room for the new. That means letting go of the hurt, the memories, and the what-ifs.
Just like you throw away old clothes to make room for the new ones.
If you never throw out your old outfits and stuff new things into your wardrobe, you get nothing but chaos.
To let go of your heartbreak blues, you need: 1) Proactive action to express your feelings: cry, journal, talk to friends or professionals, etc. 2) Give yourself time to process and heal. You may end up expressing your feelings over and over again until you empty your emotions.
It stinks, no doubt. But it’s necessary. So, grab a tissue, shed those tears, and free up your heart for a brand-new chapter.
3. Importance of Self-Healing Before Seeking New Relationships
Just like a cut on your finger, you let the wound sit, attend to it, and let it heal before forcing your finger to function as usual.
We need to do the same thing when going through a divorce. Experience divorce can wreck your heart. So, before you force your heart to love others, you’d better sit with the pain and let it heal.
Feel your pain.
Cry.
Write your feelings.
Sing a sad song.
Do whatever you need to do to express your sadness. If that means spending a year with the same sad song (like myself!), then do it.
It will take a while until you’re ready to back to the dating game. And that’s very normal.
Moreover, the longer your previous relationship was, the longer you need to have a fresh start. That’s just the way life is. So, set your expectations accordingly.
When you finally heal, you’ll feel the shift in your heart. The process will be painful I’m not going to lie, but you’ll survive.
Self-healing isn’t just about moving on. It’s about growing stronger.
This process also teaches you that the next time you let someone into your life, make sure that person is worth it. Your time is precious so don’t share your life with someone so-so just to fill the void.
Understanding Post-Divorce Relationships
4. Believe that You Deserve to be Happy.
It’s easy to feel like a sh*t after a divorce. You may question your worth, feel unwanted, and wonder if happiness is on the cards for you.
Especially if you already have several breakups in your back pocket, this negativity sounds so convincing.
“Why do my exes always end up leaving? If I’m good enough, they will stay with me, won’t they?”
Stop right there!
Let me tell you something: what your exes think about you might be something. But what you think about you is EVERYTHING!
Before you get into the dating game post-divorce, you must convince yourself that you deserve to be happy.
You deserve to get everything you want in life.
Never settle for bad thing no matter what.
Enjoy your own company, be happy, and enjoy your life. Then, when you finally find someone special, ensure they only add happiness to your fantastic life.
Unfortunately, changing your thoughts from unworthy of happiness to deserving to be 100% happy isn’t as easy as flipping a coin. The first step you need to take is to change your negative statements to neutral ones.
If saying, “I deserve to be happy” makes you cringe, you can start with “Maybe I deserve to be happy.” Adding the word ‘maybe’ neutralizes the negative thought and gives more possibility to change.
As time goes by, your pain eases, and you start feeling like yourself again (but this time you grow stronger), you will find yourself saying, “Yes, happiness is mine to grab!”
And that’s the best time to start dating again to ignite your love life!
5. What Are You Looking for in This New Relationship?
At this point, we all can agree that divorce or any kind of separation sucks. That’s why before diving back into the dating world, you’d better get clarity on what you’re looking for in future relationships. This clarity will give you a roadmap for your next move.
For example: What are you looking for? Hookups? Serious relationship? Partner to co-parent your children?
Each of these needs will lead you to a different individual. Defining what you want in your next relationship will prevent you waste time in relationships that go nowhere and may lead to another broken heart for nothing.
On a practical level, you should write what you’re looking for from your next partner.
Grab a paper and pen or write it on your phone or laptop. I’d suggest you do both. Writing on paper will slow you down and give you time to deeply think about what you expect from your next relationship.
When you make up your mind, you can write it digitally so it’s easier to save and carry around.
Every time you meet new people, this list will remind you of what you’re looking for in a partner. Therefore, you’re more likely to make discerning decisions in your romantic life.
However, please remember that this list is for your eyes only. You don’t need to share it with anyone. And because someone doesn’t fit your needs doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
They’re just not the right partner for you.
6. Is the First Relationship After Divorce Always a Rebound?
The first relationship after a divorce often gets labeled as a rebound.
But as with everything in life, a blanket statement may be further than the truth. Sure, some first relationships post-divorce might serve as a rebound, but not every new connection falls into that category.
How do you know the difference?
Well, if you jump into a relationship to ditch the loneliness left by the divorce, you may be in a rebound situation.
But if you can explain why you choose to share your life with this particular individual, you might have genuinely found love again.
The tricky part is that only you can tell the difference.
Just take your time before committing to someone. Your true love is out there and nobody will steal it from you. There’s no reason to rush.
Red Flags and Precautions When Dating as a Divorced People
7. Emotional Baggage Check
Embarking in a relationship after being through a divorce requires a keen awareness of emotional baggage. Nobody wants to have a relationship with someone who is still not over their ex.
That’s a recipe for relationship disaster.
To do an emotional baggage check, you need to foster open communication.
If you hang out long enough with someone, you can catch whether they have moved forward or still bring bitterness and unresolved issues from a previous relationship.
Once you feel your potential new partner has already moved on, great! You can get the ball rolling and see what happens next.
But what should you do if you find your date hung up in the past?
If this date is pure stranger (like someone you met in online dating apps), you’d better move on with someone else.
However, it may be more difficult if you’ve had a crush on them for a while and only had the opportunity to take it further now.
Should you just move on with someone else?
Yes, you can, if you choose to.
Or you can choose to wait and give them some time to deal with the problem.
Whatever decision you make, make sure both of you are on the same page. Be upfront about your own feelings. If you decide to wait for a relationship, tell your crush. The worst scenario is silently waiting, only to find out they’re with someone else once they’ve healed.
Ouch!
8. FOMO Relationship.
Seeing your friend get engaged, get married, or have kids might give you social pressure to do the same. I remember the day I broke up with my ex, I saw 3 other girls get engaged on my IG and I felt terrible.
Why does everyone get their other half but me?
The first idea that popped into my mind was dating ASAP.
Or that I need to buy a new outfit.
Should I learn the newest make-up technique?
The F.O.M.O is a real thing.
Does this sound familiar?
I know it does. So, listen up. Let me give you some practical advice:
- Take a deep breath. Seriously. Set a 5-minute timer, sit, and breathe. Boring I know, but it pushes your mind to calm down and think.
- Uninstall your Instagram. You can live without it for a couple of days, trust me. I uninstalled my Instagram for 1 year and got back time to work on myself and feel good!
Now that you’ve physically slowed down and aren’t overstimulated by social, we can talk.
First and foremost, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you as a human being. The fact that your partner left you doesn’t mean you’re worth less. It only means your partner isn’t your person anymore.
You never miss out when you focus on yourself. A relationship isn’t a sweet selfie on Instagram for people to see. A relationship is additional happiness in your life. Not your whole happiness.
So, when you lose one relationship, focus on finding your new happiness.
When you enjoy your life, you’ll attract someone who feels the same. And two people who enjoy life and decide to share their life have a better chance to build a healthy and happy relationship.
9. Lost Morals and Values.
Divorce can sometimes shake individuals to the core and make them question their values. Did they do something wrong? Is something wrong with them?
After separation, some people may compromise their beliefs or boundaries just to feel accepted and get a new partner as soon as possible.
Yes, we are talking about filling the void again.
There’s nothing wrong with making changes after a breakup. It’s an important thing actually, to gain new experience and enhance your horizon. However, drastic changes can be more harmful than beneficial.
Even when you get a new date thanks to your drastic change, your partner might fall in love with someone you’re not. And to maintain the relationship, you need to keep playing the role.
This will lead to another problem in your life.
10. You’re Looking for Your Ex in Other People.
If you constantly seek traits or behaviors reminiscent of your ex in your new partner, spending time to self-check. It may not be the best time to get another lover because you might end up dragging your new partner into your pain.
Give yourself more time.
Taking it slow is always a great way to return to dating after a broken heart.
Hanging on to your former spouse is the main ingredient for a bad relationship recipe. The bad news is, that as long as you’re stuck in the past, the irony of the rebound relationship might just keep playing out in your love life.
Yucks!
While it’s natural to draw on certain personality traits, please remember that everyone is unique. Embrace the opportunity to get to know someone for who they are, rather than viewing them through the lens of your past.
Tips to Avoid Rebound Relationships After Divorce
11. Love Yourself First.
Before diving back into the dating pool post-divorce, take a moment to love yourself. Whatever you lose from your previous relationship, you need to give it to yourself.
For example, separation can shake your self-confidence. You might not feel attractive enough and feel that’s why your partner left. Most people use dating to prove to themselves that they are still attractive.
But this may not be a good idea.
You’d better focus on boosting your self-confidence by dressing up, learning new things, reading books, and so on. By doing this, when you finally date someone new, you already have a new standard for yourself.
Let’s use other emotions you might struggle with after a breakup. If you feel unlovable, then do something to love yourself.
What makes you feel love?
If you don’t know, you must read a book about the 5 love languages to learn how to make yourself feel loved. This will help you learn something new and have a better understanding of how to make other people comfortable.
This skill will be handy when you finally enter a new relationship.
The point is: that every pain from your separation can teach you something if you know what to do with it. If you learn nothing from your breakup, you’ll not be a better person with better taste and end up in a toxic relationship again.
And again. And again.
Every time with a different story and name.
12. Self-Discovery Journey.
After going through a divorce, here you are: single, facing a blank canvas of post-marital life. I know it sucks, but it’s a good time to rediscover yourself.
Now, you can redesign your life without needing other’s approval.
But first, why do we need to have a self-discovery journey?
Because if you don’t, you will repeat the same story. The messiness of your life right now is the end product of your decision. If you uplevel yourself, you’ll make better decisions. Thus, you’ll have a better life.
When you start a new relationship, this individual should meet your new expectations.
Awesome! Next, how do you redefine yourself?
By making a vision board.
Before you give up on reading the article, hear me out.
I never took vision boarding seriously until I was single at 35 and felt so lost. But when I made a list of what I wanted my life to be in the next 3 years and gathered pictures from Google to represent my ideal life: boom!
I felt like my whole body and soul screamed, “That’s it!”
Once you know what you want, it’s time to make a plan. Take quiet time and do deep thinking: what should you do to get where you want to be?
If you can put it on your vision board, deep down you have an idea of how to get there.
That will also mean you’ll need to learn new skills, change your habits, read more books, try new things, etc.
Everyone will have a different roadmap to reach their ideal life. The journey is going to be long, and challenging, but always worth it in the end.
13. Take it Slow.
At this point, you know the feeling of falling in love with someone, getting married, then getting a divorce. You know the real relationship doesn’t always look like a romantic movie: living happily ever after.
Things can go bad pretty quickly.
In your new relationship after a divorce, taking things slow is always the right thing to do.
Take your time to heal.
Take your time to start dating again.
Take your time before jumping into the next relationship.
Now that you have your vision board, always check if potential partners align with your long-term goal as an individual. Remember, your new relationship should be an addition to your already happy life.
Because you are already happy with your own company.
14. Prioritize Emotional Connection.
After being single, getting intimate might be challenging for you. But when you finally step back into the dating game post-divorce, here’s a golden nugget for you: prioritize emotional needs over physical intimacy.
If you just want sex, find a hookup partner.
Maybe find some ways to give pleasure to yourself.
And please don’t have sex with your ex just because he feels familiar. Or even worse, give a second chance just because you’re lonely.
Having sex with your ex will slow down your healing process. While hookup partners can be a little tricky, if you’re an adult, do it at your own risk.
In your post-divorce dating adventure, you need to prioritize getting to know your dates on a deeper level. Ask about their values, where they see themselves in the next 5 years if they see themselves having children, etc.
These questions will scare the wrong person and make them leave early in the dating process. But the right person will stay.
Once you meet the right one, feel free to get physical and write your new love story.
15. Try New Things.
After becoming single again, it’s a great idea to broaden your perspective to see what’s out there. Trying new hobbies, new holiday styles, eating exotic cuisines, or exposing yourself to art can refresh your mind.
If you usually plan a holiday to a tee, try to be more spontaneous.
If yoga was always your thing, maybe it’s time to try wall climbing instead.
What things have you always wanted to try? It’s time to give it a shot!
Why stick to the same old routine when you have 100% control of your life?
Trying new things will expose you to new people with different characters. It might feel scary to hang out with a crowd you’re not familiar with, but why not? You might get new insights and perspectives on life.
As long as it’s safe and fun, go for it!
Life is an adventure!
16. Trust Your Instincts.
Post-divorce, your emotions can be all over the place: doubts, vulnerabilities, and loneliness can be deathly combinations that lead to unwise decisions. This is precisely where your instincts come into play, acting as the wise sidekick nudging you away from potential romantic pitfalls.
Trusting your instincts is like having a built-in radar to protect you even before your mind is aware something is happening. Please remember that your gut is always on your side. That’s why you need to learn to trust it.
But how?
Here is a simple trick to check your feelings every time you want to make a decision. Sit down, take a deep breath, and close your eyes for one minute. Ask yourself, “Is it the right move?”
When you feel something might be off, listen to it.
One thing you must understand: while your ego is loud in your head, intuition is a subtle little poke you can easily ignore. That’s why you need to slow down and listen.
Employing your intuition takes practice. The more you use it, the sharper it gets. It’s a skill you need to hone that will help you with romantic interest and other things in life.
17. Enjoy Your Single Life.
We often end up in rebound relationships because we think being someone else’s “better half” makes us more worthy. To avoid it, see yourself as a complete package, with no assembly required.
You are single and life is awesome.
The idea is simple, but how exactly do you change your definition of your ‘worthiness’?
Let me give you a simple exercise. Grab a sheet of paper and a pen. Write 50 things you already accomplished in life. Everything counts, not only the big achievements. You can write the best thing like graduating summa cum laude to taking good care of your dog.
Yes, 50 things are a lot, but that’s the point!
It will push you to focus on what you already achieved in your life. Because we often exaggerate our failures and overlook what we’ve accomplished.
But making this list will not change your mindset right away. What you do with the list is what makes a difference.
Read this list every morning after you wake up and before you get to sleep. Do this religiously for 30 days.
Why does this exercise work?
Because you can access your subconscious mind when you’re sleeping. That’s why when you wake up and are about to sleep, it’s the best time to reprogram your subconscious mind with something beneficial to you.
By reading this list every day, you are constantly reminded of what you’re capable of in life. Giving you reasons that you’re worthy of your own effort.
For fun, why don’t you give this exercise a try and let me know what you think in the comment section below?
18. Start New Habits to Uplevel Yourself.
When you feel your sadness subside post-divorce, it’s time to make positive changes to uplevel yourself. The easiest way to do it is by changing your daily habits.
Why are habits important?
Because habits are something you do daily without really thinking about it. Take brushing your teeth as an example. Thanks to brushing your teeth every day, you have a beautiful smile without cavities and gum disease.
Those little things you do day by day add up to something important if you’re doing it for the long run.
How can you build other habits to improve your life each day?
Yours truly give it a shot.
I started reading various books for 20 minutes every workday. I learn new things about dealing with inner child wounds, business, and writing. Now three years later, I’m healing my broken heart, changing my career, and building a new business.
Another habit I built was exercising twice a week. I don’t enjoy a hardcore gym, so I started with walking in the park. I do it effortlessly while listening to songs or podcasts. My ex said I look more toned up. Yup, I guess he regrets our breakup, but I don’t. Hahaha…
Anyway, the point is, that habits can be your stepping stone in building your new life after separation. Elevating your habits transforms you into a renewed individual with upgraded standards.
Once you get back into dating men, you’ll attract better people which leads to a better quality of life.
19. Limit Social Media.
Let’s be honest; social media can be a breeding ground for comparison and overthinking. Scrolling through highlight reels of others’ seemingly perfect lives while you’re still sobbing thinking about your ex will only push you towards seeking a quick fix.
By limiting your social media intake, you create a protective bubble around your mental and emotional well-being. You won’t miss anything because social media is like the junk food of connection. You feel connected to others, but the truth is you’re lonely.
You don’t need a fake connection when you’re hurt inside.
Instead, you need real social support with real people. Even sharing a simple smile with a stranger or saying thank you to your barista is better than obsessing about how many likes you have on your photo.
20. Seek Professional Support.
Navigating a divorce can be overwhelming for some people. If you feel that you can’t function properly due to a broken heart, please seek professional support.
You can talk to a therapist, go to a psychiatrist, or hire a coach to help you unwind your mind. Having a professional listen to your story can be more beneficial than talking to friends and family.
Why?
Because friends and family are not trained to unpack your emotional baggage. Even worse, they might worsen your wound without even realizing it.
When you’re talking to the professionals, you’re not just sharing stories. They will guide you on your journey to healing, understanding the lessons, and help you make choices aligned with your well-being rather than seeking temporary fixes in rebound connections.
It’s a good investment you can make for your future self.
How Do You Know It’s Not a Rebound Relationship?
If you read up to this point, it means you take your next relationship seriously and want to make the most out of it. Kudos to you!
Sooner or later, you’ll get into a new relationship, and this question might bother you: How do you know it’s not a rebound relationship?
I got you!
In this last part of the article, I’ll give you some signs that show your new relationship is healthy and not a rebound one:
1. You can retell your separation story and laugh about it.
2. You can explain what you learned from your last relationship without a teary eye.
3. You’re so busy and happy with your life that the idea of digging someone from the past isn’t interesting anymore.
However, letting go of someone is a process. It takes time, patience, and intentional effort. While you get through each day, focus on improving yourself and prioritize your happiness.
You’ll get there before you know it.
Note, if your ex hurt you badly enough that even thinking about him or seeing his picture brings butterflies to your stomach, that’s normal.
You can let go of your past but still feel the pain at the same time when you get triggered. Pay attention to what triggers you and avoid them.
I chose to block one of the guys from my past everywhere to make sure I didn’t see him casually. I usually don’t block my exes, just this one. He hurt me badly.
There’s nuance to how you handle your ex depending on your story. Take what you think is necessary and move on!
I wish you the best of luck!
