Breakups elicit complicated emotions: sadness, relief, confusion, anger, and grief.
Your brain might not be working like it normally does. You don’t know what to do with your ex.
That’s normal.
Three times, I’ve been through what you’re experiencing now. The process of dealing with a broken heart never gets easier. However, once I recovered, I was able to compile this list of 10 things I did to handle my ex.
I’m hoping to avoid another broken heart, but in case I do experience one, I know these 10 things can help me, just as they can help you.
1. Let him do whatever he wants
When I went through a breakup, one question bothered me day and night: Why did he leave me?
As a professional overthinker, I came up with many answers. In most of them, I blamed myself.
Maybe I’m just not worth picking.
If I dressed more girly, maybe guys would like me more.
Maybe I should learn to cook instead of blabbering about business and investments, so guys don’t feel intimidated.
If I kept my mouth shut and didn’t always speak my mind, maybe I’d be married with kids by now.
Does that sound familiar?
Today, two years after my last breakup, I still don’t know why my three exes left me. Honesty, I don’t care anymore.
I let them do whatever they want!
I learned that you can’t force someone to change. We’re all adults, and we all have the right to live the lives we choose—and deal with the consequences.
My ex can do whatever he wants with his life, and I can do whatever I want with mine.
This epiphany compelled me to continue reinventing my life after a breakup. Rather than whining about my ex, I started asking better questions of myself:
- What did I learn from this relationship?
- What does my ideal life look like?
- What steps should I take to get to my ideal life?
These questions shifted my focus from a problem (broken heart) to a solution (how I can be happy with my life). After I spent a few weeks taking small steps every day toward my dream life, my life started to change.
2. Move out
If you live with your ex-partner, the hardest thing to do when the relationship is over is move out. Packing your stuff is like going through memories you’ve shared with your ex. But moving out is a must if you want to move on.
The first night you spend sleeping alone will be the hardest. Ask family or friends to stay over at first. Allow yourself to cry. There’s no point in pretending you don’t need it. Facing your feelings head-on is the fastest way to recover.
As part of your healing process, consider making some changes to your home to infuse it with a new vibe. Or be like one of my cousins: When she got divorced, she sold the house and started a new life in a new place.
3. Don’t chat or call
When your relationship ends, you might feel an intense urge to stay connected. Playing “the nice ex” who is still “checking on you” and “making sure you’re ok” might sound like a noble thing to do. But it’s not.
Every chat and call will pull you back into an emotional whirlpool. If you keep doing this, your healing process will take too long or you’ll never heal entirely.
Moreover, staying in contact with your ex might cause confusion when you start dating someone else.
Take a bold step: no more chats or calls.
To make things easy, delete your ex’s number from your phone and anywhere else you’re storing it. It’s a harsh step, but you must take it so that when you randomly think about your ex, you can’t just chat with or call him.
You might consider blocking his number completely.
It will be tough, at first. You might reach for your phone out of habit. Be strong. Gradually, your anxiety will decrease, and you’ll have mental space to focus on yourself.
Distract yourself by picking up old hobbies you’ve abandoned, hanging out with friends, and enjoying your single life.
4. Block your ex on social media
Compared to chatting and calling, social media is worse.
You might endlessly scroll through your ex’s social media profiles, check his stories, and overanalyze his captions. If you see an update indicating that he’s hanging out with people, you might wonder if he’ll sleep with someone that night. And once your ex starts a relationship with another person, your nightmare will have come true.
Stop it!
Remember this mantra: “What your ex is doing is none of your business.”
If you want to heal, you need a clean break. Hide or block your ex’s profile so you won’t see his updates. I even uninstalled Instagram. It’s been two years since I’ve had the Instagram app on my phone, and I don’t miss it that much.
You might be surprised to find that it’s easy to focus on your progress when you’re not keeping tabs on your ex’s life through social media.
5. Declutter your “ex-stuff” & your digital space
After a breakup, your environment might look like a museum of your relationship. Everything reminds you of your ex—photos, chats, inside jokes, gifts, even the silly memes you used to send to each other.
It’s time for decluttering.
Search for everything that reminds you of your ex. Use two boxes, one for donations and one for trash. Items in good condition can be donated, while useless stuff can be thrown away.
Besides physical things, declutter your digital space. Go through all the files on your phone, tablet, and laptop, as well as your birthday and anniversary reminders in Google Calendar, your social media posts, etc.
You don’t want to randomly find a cute selfie with your ex or a sweet good-night chat. Deleting your files is a therapeutic process. It signals that you’re ready for a fresh start.
If you can’t do it yourself, ask for help. Have a friend or family member go through your things or files with you. It’s difficult to let others see the nitty-gritty of your life, but for your healing, it must be done.
6. Establish a no-sex policy
Obviously, you shouldn’t have sex with your ex, but you might be surprised at how nostalgia and loneliness can create an emotional tug-of-war. There will be times when you miss spending the night with your ex. However, if you want to heal faster, you must establish a clear no-sex policy.
If you remain physically intimate with your ex, you’ll remember how everything used to be. The result will be emotionally entanglement. For the sake of short-lived affection, you’ll take several steps back in your healing process.
How about having sex with someone else just for fun?
Well, I’m not your mom, and I can’t tell you what to do. But getting into a random casual relationship might lead to a rebound relationship. Just to fill the void, you’ll grab the first guy who makes a move.
Instead, slow down for a bit so that you can gain clarity on what you want in life. Determine what lessons you can learn from your failed relationship, rebuild your confidence, and set a new vision for your life. Once you’ve done that, you can start mingling to find someone who fits into your new life.
Jumping into a new relationship without doing the inner work means you’ll repeat the same patterns that existed in your previous relationship. This will lead to disappointment. Don’t set yourself up for more heartbreak!
7. Don’t bad-mouth your ex
After your ex leaves you, you might be filled with anger and hurt. It’s normal to want to vent about all the terrible things your ex did to you. It gives you a sense of release and validation.
However, empty validation like that will bring nothing to your life.
Bad-mouthing your ex won’t heal your soul. Some people might feel sorry for you, but others will laugh behind your back. Worse, bashing your ex reveals something negative about you: that you trash others.
Even if your ex is a jerk, keep your mouth (and social media) shut. Focus on rising above your pain to show your strength and character.
Devote your energy to rebuilding your life. Gradually, you’ll find more peace, and things will start falling into place.
8. Forgive but don’t forget
Forgiveness isn’t my favorite topic. I’m the type of person who is easily consumed by hatred and grudges. In my defense, I resent others when I have a valid reason to do so.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s, after three heartbreaks and several years of family drama, that I finally learned about forgiving.
I won’t tell you to be an angel and forgive someone who has wrecked your heart. You don’t need to forgive your ex if you don’t want to. The one you must forgive is yourself.
Forgive the younger you who didn’t know better.
Forgive yourself for picking the wrong dude to be your partner.
Forgive yourself for staying too long in a toxic relationship.
However, people who hurt you in the past have the potential to hurt you again. That’s why you shouldn’t forget what they’ve done to you.
Make a mental note of what those people have done to you, set boundaries, and continue with your life.
9. Don’t stalk your ex
We’re all stalkers to some degree.
Who doesn’t check social media to see what someone else is all about? You might do this with your friends, your coworkers, your boss, or your ex.
Stalking isn’t healthy because it channels your energy into someone else’s life. Every time you check on your ex on social media, you reopen old wounds. You’ll analyze every detail, wondering if he’s happier without you or if he’s moved on.
When you stalk your ex, your life revolves around him, even though he’s gone.
To stop doing this, you must unfollow your ex or block him, as we said in point number 4. Delete your old messages with him. It will sting but once it’s done, you’ll feel relieved.
Now that you’re single, direct your energy toward making yourself happy. Hang out with new people, watch movies, play a tourist in your city, travel to exotic destinations, and have spa days to treat yourself.
One last thing: Do all of this to make yourself happy. Don’t overshare on your Instagram just to show your ex that you’re happy without him. What your ex thinks about you is none of your business!
Have fun!
10. If you run into your ex, keep it brief
We live in a small world. No matter how much you try to avoid your ex running into him might be inevitable.
What should you do if you meet your ex?
In short: Keep everything brief.
Greet him politely, wish him a good day, and say goodbye.
Don’t linger. Don’t glance at his ring finger to see if he’s engaged or single.
Don’t ask too many questions.
If you catch him with a woman, so be it!
Answer any questions with “yes” or “no” and no further explanation. Don’t drag your conversation on and on. This will bring up old memories and reopen old scars.
Having only brief interactions with your ex will help maintain your boundaries and protect your peace.
What if you want your ex back?
It’s normal to feel that way.
When a relationship ends, you might find it hard to stop thinking about getting back together. You replay every happy memory and you wish things were different. Sometimes, you think that if you try harder, you can make it work.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case.
Right now, if you can’t imagine a future without your ex, don’t worry. You’ll figure it out. Your job is to survive one day at a time.
Give yourself time to let your emotions settle.
The first month will be the hardest. To help, here’s an article that tells you what to do to heal your broken heart in 30 days.
Once you regain your strength, you can see your life from a bird’s-eye view. This breakup isn’t the end of your life; it’s the beginning of something better.
Soon, you’ll find yourself saying, “I can’t believe I wanted him back so badly. What was I thinking?”
Trust the process and stay strong!
You got this!
