Break Free from a Breakup Rut: 10 Habits That Hinder You
Do you ever feel like a memory won’t let go of you?
It seems like your mind has a life of its own, with random thoughts from your last relationship constantly popping up and draining your energy. It’s like a trap you can’t escape.
Often, the memories that linger after a breakup aren’t random. They are products of your thought pattern, and they create a habit.
In this article, you’ll find 10 common habits that hinder your healing journey. Read to the end to see if you have one or more of these habits. Once you know the cause, you can start working to shake things up.
1. Wish Things Were Different.
One of the most common habits that can keep you stuck in a breakup rut is wishing things were different.
If we hadn’t broken up, maybe we’d be married by now.
If I had loved him harder, maybe he’d have chosen to stay in the relationship.
If I hadn’t been so focused on my career, maybe he wouldn’t have felt insecure.
It hurts when people we love choose to leave. You might regret some bad things you said to him in a fight. It’s normal to wish for things to be different, but the cold hard fact is that he chose to leave.
Rather than wish things were different, why not challenge yourself to see things from a different perspective? Let’s give it a try.
If we hadn’t broken up, maybe we’d be married by now.
A different angle: Why did you ask for a breakup in the first place? If he kept doing what he did, you might be stuck in an unhappy marriage. And if you added a child into this equation, your problems would be more complicated.
If I had loved him harder, maybe he’d have chosen to stay in the relationship.
A different angle: Did you give your best to the relationship? If you did, and he still chose to go, that’s on him. If you didn’t give your best, what not? What changes should you make to ensure your next relationship is better?
If I hadn’t been so focused on my career, maybe he wouldn’t have felt insecure.
A different angle: You should date someone who is attracted to your ambition instead of intimidated by it. If having a good career is important for you, your partner should respect that and support you. If he’s insecure, that’s his problem.
Changing your perspective can make your thoughts more productive and help you build a better life. Your past is there to teach you lessons and prepare you for the future, not to dwell on.
2. Compare Your Story to Those of Others.
The day I broke up, I found that another 3 women got engaged on Instagram. I felt like a big loser: Everyone was getting their person but me. What was wrong with me?
I remember spending the whole night crying. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was soaked with tears.
Lesson for you: Don’t check your Instagram when you’re brokenhearted. Social media is a comparison rabbit hole. When you’re brokenhearted, everything can be a trigger.
What you see on social media is the curated highlights of someone’s life. It’s not the whole picture. Or even worse, it’s the fake version of their life. I know someone who looks happy on social media, but their perfect life is a big, fat lie.
Don’t waste your time comparing your story with those of others. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors. Focus on healing yourself and rebuilding your life.
If needed, consider uninstalling Instagram while you’re healing. You might be surprised at how much calmer you feel without constant comparison. You’ll also have more time and energy to focus on yourself.
3. Beat Yourself Up.
It’s common to blame yourself for the end of the relationship and to think you’re not worthy of love. You might be tempted to do something different.
To wear make-up even though that’s not your thing. To change the way you dress so that you look more girly. Or, to keep your mouth shut when you have something to say.
As humans, we all have room for improvement. But making changes because you think something is wrong with you — that’s a toxic mindset. Those who love you will accept you the way you are.
They will like your bare face. They’ll be okay if you’re always in jeans and a T-shirt. And your loved ones will listen to what you say.
If someone doesn’t accept you the way you are, let them go. That doesn’t mean your ex is a bad person, he’s just not the right partner for you.
If you want to make changes, ask yourself better questions, such as, “Would it be awesome if I …”
Now, let your mind go wild imagining what your dream life will look like.
“Would it be awesome if I had a bikini body all year, not just in summer?”
Well, you would need to go to the gym and watch your eating habits.
“Would it be awesome if I had a pool at my house?”
Does your job pay well, or should you consider finding a better one or even starting a business? Where does your money go? It might be a good idea to learn about personal finance to get your finances in order.
By asking better questions, you can make some changes from positive energy. Your motivation to change shouldn’t be because you think you’re not good enough; instead, you should make changes because you believe you deserve something better and are capable of doing it.
4. Engage in Negative Self-Talk.
Here’s a little story for you.
A grandpa told his grandson: “Inside each of us, there are two wolves. One is good and kind, and the other is bad and mean. They are always fighting inside us.”
The boy asked, “Which one wins?”
The grandpa replied, “The one you feed the most.”
The wolves represent our inner thoughts. Every time we say bad things about ourselves, that’s your mean wolf talking. The more we feed it with negative talk, the stronger it grows.
It’s time to make the right choice: Let’s feed our kind wolf with a positive mindset and starve our bad wolf.
How exactly do we feed our kind wolf?
By actively thinking positively about ourselves. Here are some ideas:
- Write 10 things you’ve achieved in your life.
- Write 10 things you like about yourself.
- Write 10 compliments you’ve received from others.
- Ask your friends and family, what they like most about you.
Does the thought of doing these things make you cringe?
We aren’t used to saying positive things about ourselves. However, this is the antidote to negative self-talk.
You don’t need to show this list to anyone or feel that you’re better than others. This list is for your eyes only. When you write it down, you will be forced to slow down and give thoughtful answers.
Keep the list safe and read it whenever you feel down. It’s your secret weapon to shield you from negativity.
5. Withdraw from Real Life.
After a breakup, it’s easy to lock yourself in your room and cry all day. Sure, you need some time to grieve, cry, and stay in your cocoon. However, if you stay there for too long, you’ll have trouble picking yourself up.
After some time, you need to drag yourself to the outside world even if you don’t feel like it.
If you can’t, ask for backup. Tell your bestie to bang on your door and force you to go out. You don’t need to go partying; just taking a walk in the park and eating ice cream with a friend can boost your mood.
Slowly, you must rejoin the world. Every week, do one new thing to distract you from your pain. Soon, you’ll realize your breakup story is only one chapter in your life. It’s not the whole book.
6. Get into New Relationships Too Quickly.
Being single can be lonely, especially at night when you’re alone and realize you have no one to hold in bed.
You’ll miss your ex’s smell on your sheets and the way he held you until you fell asleep.
You might think: I need to find someone new to fill my bed so won’t be lonely.
I’m sorry to break it to you, but getting into a relationship with someone new as a quick fix won’t work.
Yes, you might have someone to hold at night, but that doesn’t mean your relationship problem is solved.
If you don’t complete the healing process and learn from your past, you might end up with the same type of guy — and we know what that will lead to a broken heart.
Instead, ask yourself: When is the right time to get into a new relationship?
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer. What I can say, though, is that when you enter a new relationship, you should do it for the right reasons: Find someone who adds value to your life and aligns with your vision.
To achieve this, you need to do 2 things: become a high-value individual and have a clear vision of the life you want.
Start working on yourself. When the time comes, you’ll know!
7. Overindulge in Distractions.
Some people withdraw from the real world when they’re hurt. Others turn to unhealthy habits, like excessive drinking, shopping, or binge-watching TV, to numb their pain.
Running away from your pain won’t do you any good, as it only makes your pain grow deeper. It’s like cutting yourself and ignoring it. The scar will worsen, and you might end up in the hospital.
That’s why, you must attend to your broken heart. Distractions are necessary for you the healing process (nobody wants to cry all night, every night for months.), but your life shouldn’t be full of them.
You must find the balance between, being vulnerable so that you can feel your pain, distracting yourself with something fun, and up-leveling yourself by learning something new. Go through this cycle until your pain subsides and leaves.
Note that the worst distraction is doing too much of something good, such as being a workaholic.
Working many hours can lead to a successful career, but if you do it as a distraction, you will sacrifice other aspects of your life.
So, it’s time to audit your life to see if you manage it properly.
8. Hold onto Anger or Resentment.
Do you constantly replay arguments or conversations with your ex?
Then, do you overanalyze his words and wonder if there’s a different meaning?
Your ex is long gone from your bed but he still lingers in your mind. You might not cry as much as you used to, but you feel a lingering pain whenever you think about what happened.
This thought will weigh you down. You must remove it at all costs. Here are some tips on how to let go of anger toward an ex who wronged you:
- Acknowledge your emotions by saying, “I’m angry with (your ex-’s name).” This statement is the first step toward healing.
- Express your feelings constructively. Writing in a journal, talking to a therapist, or confiding in a trusted friend can help you process your anger.
- Practice forgiveness (hint: this isn’t my fave.). Say, “Thank you for the lesson. Let’s move on.”
Letting things go doesn’t mean you need to hang out with your ex again. It’s okay to limit your contact or even block your ex entirely. Let your ex go to make room for new memories that are more worthy in your life.
9. Overshare Your Story.
Do you have a friend who has told the same story 135,363 times?
Annoying, isn’t it?
Moral of the story: Don’t be that kind of friend.
When you’re hurt, it’s normal to want people to support you by saying your ex is a jerk. But if you tell the same story over and over again, people will get tired.
It’s not that they don’t care about you; it’s that they want you to move on and live a better life.
Even worse is when you overshare your story on social media. You might get a big dopamine boost from all the likes and comments, but what does it really change? Those likes and stories will do nothing in your real life.
It’s okay to share your sad stories to get things off your chest. Share them with people who genuinely care about you, like family, friends, or a therapist. However, try to focus on unpacking the lessons from what happened, so you’re not sharing just for the sake of it.
10. Compare Every Man You Meet to Your Ex.
It’s tempting to immediately start dating when you’re fresh out of a breakup. But if you didn’t do the inner work, you might compare every new person you meet to your ex. The reason is simple: You haven’t moved on and are trying to find the same figure with a different face and name.
This approach is a recipe for disaster.
First, everyone is unique, so your quest is impossible. Even if you find someone whom you think reminds you of your ex, consider what happened with your ex. He broke your heart.
Second, comparing your current date with anyone else is unfair. Put yourself in his shoes. Imagine if he thought, “She looks like my ex. I’m gonna ask her out.”
Would you say “yes” if you could hear his thoughts? No, thank you.
Another form of comparison is to pick your date based on “What will my ex think?” You’ll choose someone who will make your ex jealous if he sees you together.
Then, you’ll start updating your dating activity on social media to announce to the world (a.k.a. your ex) that you’ve moved on.
What a waste of time and energy! Do you even really like your date?
Regardless of which habit you are stuck in, you’re letting your ex control your life when the dude is already gone.
Why make such space for someone who disappointed you?
Why not pretend that he’s dead and move on?
Date a guy who piques your interest. Get to know him and enjoy the adventure you’re about to have without the shadow of your past.
Have fun!
Let Go of Your Past and Reclaim Your Life
Past relationships can have a powerful grip on our lives. Old memories and inside jokes can keep replaying in our minds long after the separation.
However, if you let this happen for too long, you lose the opportunity to enjoy your life. We all live in the present; the past should pass and the future is uncertain. What we do today will determine our future.
Remember: Your ex isn’t the best thing that happened to you. Your next best thing is around the corner. It all depends on how you redirect your energy into the present.
