10 Steps to Get Over Your Ex After a Breakup
Out of my bed, but you’re still in my head.
If you’ve recently ended a relationship, you might be all too familiar with this sentiment. I know I am. It’s easy to break up with someone, but the aftermath might take months or years to overcome.
Those little things that remind you of your ex, the constant replay of memories until your pillow is full of tears, and the emotional rollercoaster that follows.
There’s no shame in it, as you’re not alone.
But no worries; you’ve come to the right place. In this blog post, I’ll share 10 practical steps to help you handle your ex after a breakup. These tips are drawn from my own experience of navigating three broken hearts from long-term relationships.
Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel Your Pain
Ending a relationship is easy. Say that everything is over, move out, and then move on with your life. But getting your ex out of your mind is another story.
I’ve been through three heartbreaks in my adult life.
In the process of recovery, I cried a lot. This was a big hit to my ego. I’m the type of woman who, when I get teary says that I have something in my eye. However, I finally learned that I wasn’t crying about my ex; I was crying in order to feel my pain and heal.
Crying isn’t the only way to express your sadness. You can write your feelings, talk about them, or express them with movement. Hitting a pillow (and pretending that the pillow was my ex’s face) was a secret weapon that gave me a quick burst.
The more you face your feelings, the more you release them from your chest. Slowly, your emotions will subside to the point where you can tell your story without breaking down.
Step 2: Limit Contact with Your Ex
Some people think that maintaining communication with their exes will help them transition smoothly into friendship. I used to be one of those people. I believed we could still talk and support each other through the breakup.
However, what happens is that you keep having the same conversations but can’t do anything about it. It’s like trapping yourself in the past. And honestly, it’s kind of annoying to look at your ex’s face while he doesn’t fight for the relationship.
If the breakup wasn’t bad, you don’t have to block your ex entirely but don’t engage and keep up with everything that happens in his life.
Once you get over your ex, you’ll realize that the world is big and you have every right to live your best life.
Step 3: Focus on One Day at a Time
After you break up, the thought of rebuilding everything can be overwhelming. I was 35 the last time I had a breakup, and imagining what my life would look like in the next 10 years paralyzed me.
My biological clock is ticking. Do I have time to find the right guy to start a family with?
How will I manage financially on my own?
What if I never have children?
Fast forward 2 years. I still don’t know the answer to those questions. I’ve seen a few guys, but no one has piqued my interest yet. Financially, I started a new career as a writer. I’m still not a millionaire, but I feel like my life is going in the direction I want.
My secret is: to focus on one day at a time.
I take baby steps.
This approach releases you from overwhelm. You’ll end up doing something toward your goal.
I might not meet my man, but at least I’ve tried online dating and learned something new. I’ve decided to explore different dating pools and see what happens.
Professionally, I have a writing client, and I regularly write articles for my blog. I can cover my bills, and my blog gets monthly traffic. My target is to have the money I make from my blog be another income stream for me.
Ask yourself: “What’s the simplest thing I can do today to improve my life?”
Step 4: Focus on Loving Yourself
When your ex leaves your life, you will feel something is missing. You will miss his touch, his love, his attention, and so on.
I miss how one of my exes always opened the door for me. One random day, my hands were full, and I struggled to open the door, I remembered how he used to treat me and I burst into tears.
You probably have a story similar to mine.
Let me tell you the hard truth: You’re alone now. If you were that important to him, he wouldn’t have left.
The real question isn’t why your ex left you. If he didn’t see your worth, that’s his problem. Instead, ask yourself this: “Was he the best thing that ever happened to me, or is he just one chapter in my amazing life?”
You must believe that things will get better. Chin up. Give yourself whatever you miss from the previous relationship.
If you miss the way he loved you, then love yourself harder. Make time to show that you love yourself.
If you miss the way he protected you, learn to protect yourself. Self-defense classes can be a good distraction.
I missed someone who treated me like a princess. Well, I treat myself like a princess now. Manicures and body massages are monthly “must-dos” because they make me feel special.
With this attitude, you will enjoy your own company. Once you get back into the dating game, you won’t be in a hurry to find someone to fill the void. You’ll look for someone who can add value to your life.
Step 5: Have a Positive Outlook Toward Life
When I became single again at 35, I felt like my world was crashing down.
During this time, I stumbled across a book called Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. The idea that our lives span roughly 4,000 weeks hit me hard. I’m almost halfway in! I don’t have much time left!
I could give up because I’m almost 40 and still single. I could feel sorry for myself until the day I die.
Even if I’m running late in terms of starting a family, I still have 40 years ahead (4000 weeks equivalent to roughly 80 years old). How will I spend those 40 years?
Should I wonder why I don’t just pick one dude and start a family in my early 20s?
Blame all my exes for not fighting for me?
That doesn’t sound like an enjoyable 40 years.
Regardless of what happens, I want to die as someone who enjoyed her life, not someone who died feeling sorry for herself.
So, your ex might leave you. Let him.
This is your life. Pick yourself up and make things happen. Every time you feel like life is hard, remember that you have limited time. You must make every year worth living.
Step 6: Set New Goals
Do you know why people tend to get sick in their retirement?
Because they have no goals.
Goals empower us to keep going because we expect something good to happen in the future. When you’re brokenhearted, setting a goal for yourself will help you recover quickly.
When I made my first vision board, my soul was screaming, “That’s what my life should look like!”
All the pictures that represent what I want to do with my life motivate me to keep going. I still cry at night, but I know I’m on a journey to something worth fighting for.
This vision board isn’t a bunch of random pictures on the wall. It’s my filter for deciding what I must do with my life. If one of my exes flirts with me, I look at my vision board and remember that my ex doesn’t belong to my future.
When I struggle to get traffic to my blog, my vision board, in which I indicate that I want to become a writer and make money from that work, reminds me that this is what I want. I have to find a solution and keep trying.
If you know what you want, your life will be easier to navigate. Put your vision board on your table, your background phone, or anywhere you can see it. It’s a constant reminder of where your life is heading.
Step 7: Learn New Skills
Now that you have a new goal, ask yourself: “Do I have what it takes to make my dream life a reality?”
Do you have the money to travel to an exotic country? Would you need to change careers or start a side hustle?
If you want to get married, how many dates have you been on? Do you need to learn communication skills to help you navigate a relationship?
Everyone needs different skills depending on what they want from life. In today’s world, you have unlimited information about almost everything. You can learn new things from YouTube, read books, pay for online courses, etc.
Not knowing how to do something is no longer an excuse.
The real question is: Is it important enough for you to take the time to learn it?
When you spend your time learning something new, you don’t have time to cry over your ex. You are busy building something, and this growth will lead you to new opportunities and happiness.
Step 8: Expand Your Social Circle
Whether your goals lead you to travel, get a new job, or pick up new hobbies, you will meet new people. This is a good way to refresh your perspective. You will gain new experiences, hear new stories, and realize your ex isn’t the center of the world.
Expanding your social circle pushes you out of your comfort zone. You’ll see yourself as being better and stronger.
Your life is worth living without your ex.
With a “new you” and a new social circle, don’t be surprised if you bump into the love of your life soon. This time, you should be able to pick someone better and have more skill in navigating your love life because you have learned many lessons from your previous relationship.
Step 9: Avoid Rebound Relationships
After a breakup, it can be tempting to jump into a new relationship to ease the loneliness. While surrounding yourself with new people might bring a sense of novelty and excitement, you must take your time before committing to someone new.
Some people avoid commitment by going on several casual dates or date one-night stands to battle their loneliness. Of course, I’m not your mom, and I can’t tell you what to do. But let me say: Sleeping with new people doesn’t erase your pain or loneliness.
You’re just masking your pain with oxytocin, which is famously called the “love drug” or “love hormone.”
Once the hormone is gone, there you are sitting with your pain again.
Therefore, the best thing to do is to give yourself time to process your emotions and heal emotionally. Use this time to reflect on what you truly want and need in a partner.
When you know what you’re looking for, that’s the time to mingle and find someone interesting.
Step 10: Healing Is a Journey; Embrace It
Healing doesn’t operate on an exact timeline. However, the longer you stay in the relationship, the longer it takes to heal and move on.
For me, it took half of the relationship length to recover.
When my 8-year relationship ended, it took me 4 years to completely recover. At that time, I was already in a relationship with another guy, so I was in a rebound relationship situation. It wasn’t fun because I kept comparing my current partner with my ex.
This experience taught me to get into another relationship only after I had completely healed.
The memory of being disappointed by someone you love can be painful, so it’s normal to feel this way. Healing is not about erasing the past. Instead, it’s about embracing what happened and understanding what comes next.
Build a new life, meet new people, and know that you have a wonderful life worth living.
Wrapping Up: Your Next Chapter Is Waiting
As you can see from this list, getting over your ex isn’t about seeing someone else right away. It’s about facing your pain, making plans for your future, and taking steps toward achieving those plans. In the end, you will have a new life, perhaps with a new career or hobby, new places to hang out, and a new lover.
If you start dating someone new without up-leveling yourself, you’ll end up with the same type of guy, just with a different name and face. And we all know where that will lead: a broken heart.
Stay on your healing path. I wish you the best of luck!
