25 Things You Must Do When Your Partner Cheats on You
When I was 15, I found out that my mother was cheating on my father.
The worst part is that this wasn’t the first time she had done it.
My parents’ marriage ended in a divorce. My mother left my dad and me. I haven’t spoken to my mom since.
Fast forward to today. I feel as though my father never recovered from losing the love of his life. So, I know how the betrayal of someone you love can affect a person.
Honestly, this article is a bit hard for me to write. However, if it can help just one person, I feel it’s worth the effort.
Let’s dive in!
When you find out that your partner has been unfaithful.
1. Take time to process your emotions.
When you find out that your partner has been unfaithful, a range of emotions will bombard you: anger, disappointment, and sadness.
You will have many questions.
Why did he cheat on me?
How long has this been going on?
Did I do something wrong?
Answering these questions will force you to dig deep into your soul and see your relationship from different angles. It’s painful but necessary to help you process your emotions.
If you keep everything under the rug, nothing will change. Your relationship will be unfulfilling. Basically, everything is built on lies.
Here are some ways to help you process your feelings:
- Allow yourself to feel everything. You will cry a lot. That’s normal. Pretending that nothing happened will only drag you down, and sooner or later, everything will blow up.
- Write your thoughts on paper. This will force you to slow down, be mindful, and gain clarity. You can write in your journal to preserve your thoughts or on a random piece of paper that you then burn so nobody will read it.
- Take care of yourself by engaging in activities that bring you joy. Processing your emotions involves facing your feelings and finding distractions to charge your mental battery.
2. Set boundaries with your partner.
When you find out about your partner’s infidelity, stay away from him to give you some space to breathe. Tell him that you need some time alone and ask him to honor your request.
Physical boundaries are the first thing you must establish. Sleep in a different room if possible or you can sleep on the couch. Don’t use sex as a band-aid. It won’t heal the core problem.
Determine the level of communication you’re comfortable with. You might limit conversations to certain topics, such as logistics or matters related to children. With regard to the infidelity itself, you and your partner should set aside time to discuss it when you’re ready.
3. Don’t make any significant decisions.
In romcoms, finding your partner cheating on you is usually the peak of the drama. The woman slaps the man and says, “We’re done!”
But in real life, making a significant decision when your emotions are boiling might not be a wise thing to do. Take some time to calm your nerves, and see the big picture. Then, you can determine your next step.
Don’t drag the problem out for too long, though. If you see red flags everywhere, the cheating part might work as a form of closure. End the relationship and get yourself a better life.
You deserve it!
After infidelity: How to decide what to do next.
4. Don’t blame yourself for your partner’s infidelity.
A cheater has a reason for doing what he does.
Certainly, as a human, you have weaknesses. Your relationship won’t be perfect. But that doesn’t give him the right to cheat on you. He has the right to communicate his feelings, ask you to change your behavior, or even leave the relationship entirely.
But cheating on you? Not a chance!
If your partner plays the victim and blames you for certain things that led him to cheat, ask yourself: Is there anything about his behavior that I don’t like but tolerate because I love him?
Don’t be surprised if you can make an entire list of those things.
Now, it’s time to mention your list to him and say that you don’t cheat on him just because he’s not perfect. See what he says about it!
5. Practice mindfulness and meditation.
Deciding what to do after you find out that your partner is cheating on you is difficult.
The last thing you want to hear is advice to practice mindfulness and meditate. Something like “leave the relationship” or “consider counseling if you want to stay” might be more practical.
In this situation, you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you. Outsiders can’t understand the relationship as deeply as you do.
By practicing mindfulness and meditation, you can dig into your feelings and listen to your inner voice to find answers.
You can practice mindfulness by blocking 5 minutes into your day to check on yourself. Set the time in your calendar. You can choose any time you like: in the morning before you start your day, during your lunch break, or before you go to sleep.
When your reminder pops off, set a timer for 5 minutes, put your phone on airplane mode, stay still, and listen. Feel your surroundings, the wind, how your body feels, etc. Do this every day, and you will start to hear your inner voice.
6. Communicate your feelings openly and honestly.
How did you find out that your partner is cheating on you?
Did you read his messages?
Did you bust him in the act?
Or did someone tell you about what happened?
No matter how you find out, you must speak openly to him about your feelings. Choose the right time and place to discuss this super-sensitive topic. Control your emotions and avoid yelling at each other, especially if you have young kids at home.
You can say something like, “I know you’ve been cheating on me. I feel hurt and betrayed.”
Pause.
Being succinct and adding pauses between sentences shows that you mean what you’re saying.
In addition, let your partner speak. Listen actively to his perspective without interrupting.
Then, you can be honest about what you need.
Do you want to live with your extended family for some time?
Do you need space as a romantic partner while keeping the kids’ usual routine?
If you don’t know what to do, say so upfront. Tell him, that you need some time to think about the situation before you tell him your next step.
7. Make time to take care of yourself.
It’s easy to let yourself go when your heart is broken.
If your partner is cheating on you, why should you bother to put effort into doing your hair or keep up with your skincare game?
Guess what? To win this war, you need to take care of yourself. Do simple but necessary things like sleeping for 8 hours a night, eating well, and wearing outfits and makeup that make you feel good. This will help you get through your day.
Finding out that your partner is cheating has drained your emotional battery. If you don’t take care of your body, you might find yourself burned out or, even worse, ending up in the ER.
8. Explore your options for the future.
Your life doesn’t end because your partner is cheating on you. Instead, your partner’s cheating is a sign that something must change in your life.
If your relationship is over, you can take time to heal and get back to the dating games when you’re ready.
If you are engaged, you can end the relationship without the complication of legal documents.
If you have kids with your partner, ending the relationship won’t destroy your life or your kids’ lives. There will be turbulence, and you must be there to help your children, but even kids whose parents stay together face challenges. They just have different kinds of problems.
Explore every option. Every decision will have pros and cons: you just need to pick what’s best for you.
Once all the chaos has ended, you can start over – though not from scratch, as you now have experience. Keep the faith that good things are available to you.
9. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem.
Your self-esteem gets hit pretty hard if you find out your partner betrayed you.
You feel unwanted. Not attractive enough. Not good enough. Those negative thoughts will continue on and on and on.
Unless you choose to stop them.
Negative thoughts do nothing for you. What kind of life can you expect if your brain is full of despair? Feelings of inadequacy?
To build a beautiful life, you must fill your head with a positive voice. You don’t need to be delusional, ignoring the fact that bad things happen.
You just need to catch yourself when you’re falling into a negative rabbit hole. Redirect your focus to positive thoughts. An optimistic outlook will lift your mood and help you achieve more in life.
Here are some ideas on how to build your self-esteem:
- Practice daily affirmations. The best time to do this is before bed and when you wake up.
Each person will have different affirmations. If you feel unwanted, you can use the affirmation, “I’m lovable.”
However, switching your thoughts from feeling unwanted to saying you’re loveable might feel “ick.” In that case, you can start with, “Someone on this earth will feel that I’m lovable.”
The more you do this, the more you’ll believe it.
- Establish a self-care routine that makes growth automatic. Every day, block out 1 hour to exercise, read, and practice mindfulness. Exercise will make you healthy, reading will give you new insights, and mindfulness will calm your soul.
You can adjust the minutes based on your needs. For example, you might start with 5 minutes of mindfulness in the morning, 25 minutes of reading, and 30 minutes of quick yoga on YouTube.
- Write a letter to yourself about 100 things you’ve achieved in your life. Everything counts, from being a good dog mom to getting a promotion at work. Keep this letter in your wallet and check it every day to remind yourself that you’re doing well in life.
10. Reflect on the relationship and what led to the infidelity.
In any relationship, both partners share responsibility for everything that happens, even when your partner cheats on you.
It sucks, I know. But it’s part of being an adult.
You’ve been hurt, and you’ve cried. However, when you get yourself together again, you must ask this difficult question: What did I learn from this cheating?
Your instinct might be to blame your partner for being a jerk – and you might be 100% correct. But who’s letting that jerk be in your life as your partner? Is anybody forcing you into this relationship?
I bet not.
You bear some responsibility for not being savvy in choosing a partner. That’s a big lesson you’ll take away from this infidelity.
What about your communication style? Did you see red flags in the relationship? Was your heart saying something all along, but you ignored it?
Your homework is to reflect on these questions. Whether you stay with your partner or find a new one, this lesson will uplevel the quality of your relationship in the future.
11. Seek closure, once and for all.
We often talk about the emotional turmoil that infidelity causes, but that’s not the worst part. What makes the pain last so long is holding onto hope.
We hope that things will turn out okay.
We hope that if we are understanding and love our man hard enough, he will change.
We hope that time will heal the pain and things will go back to normal.
Unfortunately, most of the time life doesn’t work that way. Hope doesn’t bring about a change. Our decisions do. That’s why you must stop depending on hope and take real action. In this case: give yourself the closure you need!
If your partner doesn’t know that you’re aware of what he’s doing, confront him!
If he pretends that everything is okay, ask him, what he wants.
If you decide to give your partner a second chance, set clear rules for the future. If things still aren’t working after that, leave!
What to do if you decide to end the relationship.
12. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Deciding to end a relationship after betrayal is hard. The fact that someone you love has chosen another person can take a toll on your mental health. Before you can pick yourself up and continue with your life, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship.
Here are some suggestions:
- Express your feelings. Allow yourself to cry, watch sad movies, listen to sad songs, and do anything necessary to unpack your emotions.
- Take time to reflect on the relationship and what you can learn from it. Seek to understand what worked, what didn’t work, and how you can do better in future relationships.
- Set new goals. Believing that your best days are ahead will motivate you to keep going. Life might be tough now, but everything will be better soon.
13. Surround yourself with positive people.
Emotions are contagious. The fact that you’ve ended your relationship is dragging your mood down. That’s why there’s no point in keeping “Debbie Downer” people around you. These people will pull you further into negativity.
To bounce back quickly, surround yourself with positive people, mentors who inspire you, and friends who make you laugh.
These people don’t need to know what you’re going through in your personal life. Just strategically choose companions to help you heal faster.
This includes your digital space. Unfollow or mute accounts that don’t inspire you including those of trashy family members and gossipy friends. Also, don’t stalk your ex; block him if necessary.
14. Take up a new hobby or interest.
A distraction will give you space to forget your problems. However, rather than let random things distract you, why not strategically choose positive activities?
This is where taking up a new hobby or interest comes in.
Expose yourself to a new environment by trying new activities. Visit a new gym, go to a dance class instead of doing yoga, read books outside your favorite genre, try a new restaurant, etc.
Look at your bucket list; it’s time to go for one or several items on it. If you don’t have a bucket list, it’s time to let your imagination go wild and make one.
The 2 rules you must follow are: 1) Make sure it’s safe for you and the people you love. 2) Make sure it’s financially reasonable. You don’t want to fall into deep debt just because you’re brokenhearted.
Have fun!
15. Seek legal advice to ensure a fair settlement for both parties.
Legal advice might be necessary to protect yourself and ensure fairness in situations like divorce, significant financial entanglements with your ex, or the involvement of children.
A lawyer can help negotiate a fair and equitable settlement, taking into account the circumstances of the breakup and ensuring both parties are treated justly. You don’t want this separation to take a hit on your financial well-being solely because you don’t know what you’re doing.
Additionally, knowing that you’ve hired a professional to guide you in this emotionally challenging situation can give you peace of mind.
16. Set realistic expectations for yourself.
We are our own worst enemies.
Have you ever said something to yourself that you’d never say to a friend?
If your best friend’s partner were cheating on her, what would you say? Probably will say something like:
“I’m so sorry to hear that.”
“If you need anything, let me know.”
“Take some time to process your pain. Things will get better soon.”
What would you say to yourself if this unfortunate event happened to you?
You might expect that you’ll be okay in no time. It’s like pushing yourself to run when your feet are injured. That’s foolish and only makes the pain worse.
The journey of recovering from infidelity takes time. That’s why you must set the right expectations for yourself every step of the way.
It’s okay to cry at night.
It’s okay to not be interested in dating right now.
It’s okay for some days to be harder than others.
Be compassionate and patient with yourself. Your partner might have chosen someone else, but you must always choose yourself.
17. Avoid seeking revenge.
If your partner has cheated on you, you might feel rejected and humiliated. Your ego might scream, “I can find someone better than you!”
Maybe you’ll pick out a sexy outfit, put on some makeup, and party all night. Perhaps you’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a guy you hardly know. This is a recipe for disaster.
Hold your breath and slow down.
I have nothing against partying.
You have the right to wear whatever you want.
And for sure you can find a better guy in the future.
But you should do this because you want to be happy, not because you want to get revenge. Give yourself time to heal and see the big picture. When you feel like yourself again and have a new direction, you can do whatever you want to live your best life.
18. Don’t rush into a new relationship.
When your relationship ends, you’ll feel a void. If you’ve been together a long time, getting through the day without your partner might feel awkward. But if you think getting a partner ASAP will solve the problem, think again.
Jumping into a new relationship won’t fix the pain; it will just mask it.
You might grab the first guy who makes a move on you. If you’re in a new relationship, you might be haunted by the ghosts of your past relationship. Maybe you’ll compare your current partner with your ex and question his every move, fearing he might betray you, too.
Who wants to be in a relationship like that?
When you’re single again, focus on your happiness. Let go of your pain, and find peace. Being happy with your own company is a sign that you’re ready for a new relationship.
What to do if you decide to give your relationship another shot.
19. Learn to forgive yourself, your partner, and others.
Giving your relationship another chance after infidelity isn’t easy. You might find yourself stuck in a cycle of anger and blame. Maybe you blamed yourself for not seeing the signs, and you blame your partner for being a jerk.
This negative emotion can easily lead to repeated arguments. If you do nothing, your relationship will go downhill.
To have a healthy relationship, you must forgive.
You must forgive yourself, your partner, and his mistress. This is not about forgetting or excusing the behavior. Rather, to allow the relationship to blossom, you must start from a clean slate.
20. Keep the infidelity story private.
When you’re working on your relationship, keep this war between you and your partner.
Don’t overshare your private problem on social media. You might get empty sympathy right away, which will make you feel good temporarily, but it won’t improve things in the long run.
If you tell anyone outside the relationship, people will pick sides. Your friends and family will support you. Your partner will have his supporters. Arguments will be flying, and hardly anything good can come from that.
The only reason you should want to spill everything is if you’re going to marriage counseling. A counselor is a professional who helps people navigate their relationships. Your counselor won’t take sides and will want what’s best for both of you.
21. Never mention his mistress.
Every time you have a spat with your partner, mentioning the affair and the other woman will give you a quick win. However, it also makes room for her in your relationship even when the affair is over.
After a while, your partner will be sick and tired of listening to you ramble on about his mistake. His guilt will subside, and soon, he might say, “I did cheat on you. So what? Take it or leave it!”
Once your partner has lost interest in the relationship entirely, it’s difficult to rebuild a healthy relationship. The happiness you want won’t come from guilt or shaming.
22. Take steps to rebuild trust in the relationships.
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. When someone breaks that trust, the relationship will be shaky. If you decide to give your relationship another try, rebuilding trust is the first thing you must do.
Your journey starts with laying all the cards on the table. You and your partner must find the source of the dissatisfaction that led to infidelity.
Does your partner feel unseen?
Do the two of you have sex regularly? Is it good? Do you need more variety?
Did your partner use cheating to boost his ego?
Most people avoid these very sensitive questions. Answering them will lead to deep conversation, tears, and disappointment. Once you identify the source of the problem, you must both make changes.
If your partner simply gives empty promises that he won’t cheat again, it’s only a matter of time before another fight erupts.
If you’re constantly monitoring your partner, asking where he is, who he’s with, and what he’s doing, you’ll be more like a spy than a partner in a healthy relationship.
Nobody likes being treated like a criminal. Even if you stay together, you won’t feel happy or satisfied.
23. Set new rules in the relationship
Now that you are giving your relationship a second chance, you must create a space where you and your partner feel seen and trusted. Each couple will need a different set of rules based on their personalities.
Some of the rules you can consider are:
- Allow your partner to check your phone.
- Ask your partner to never delete chats from certain people.
- If the infidelity involved a coworker, consider finding a new job, etc.
However, there’s always a way to work around any rule. That’s why picking a partner with good character is the most important.
Things you must do during this long and painful process.
24. Take things one day at a time.
Whatever happens in your relationship, a long and bumpy road is waiting for you.
If you choose to be single again, it will take time to heal, brush off your pain, and move on with your life.
If you give your relationship another shot, it will take a lot of effort to make things work.
The best advice is to take one day at a time.
Some days will be harder than others, but as long as you keep moving forward, you’ll see progress. Take a moment each night to review your day. Find one thing to be grateful for, no matter how bad your day was.
This will ensure you close your day with a positive outlook. You’ll sleep well at night and be energized for the next day.
25. Consider seeking therapy or counseling.
If you are physically sick, you go to the doctor right away. But when it comes to mental health, sometimes we are too embarrassed to reach out to professionals. We think we should be able to handle our lives ourselves.
This is nonsense.
Think about it. We don’t learn about mental health at school. We’ve never been told how to date, pick a partner, end a relationship, and rebuild our lives.
Instead, we get random advice from friends and family (most of whom are as clueless as we are) and figure things out along the way.
So, if you feel that this situation is too much for you, reach out for therapy. You can pick whatever suits you best: marriage therapy, relationship coaching, etc. Do your research.
Unfortunately, all of these professionals will cost you a lot of money. If you’re just an ordinary Joe, reading books about relationships and personal development might be your best bet.
If you are still in the relationship, discuss the book you read with your partner to ensure you understand each other’s feelings.
A journey of healing begins with a single step.
Infidelity is a painful experience. It shatters your trust, breaks your heart, and leaves you questioning whether a romantic relationship is even necessary.
However, it’s not the end of the world.
You can recover from the pain, regain your self-esteem, and rebuild your life. I hope the tips in this article give you ideas for starting your healing journey.
You deserve to be with a partner who respects and values you. This journey is hard, so take one step at a time, be kind to yourself, and believe that better days are ahead.
Best of luck!
